I know that when you are working out and you don't eat you shut down your metabolism. I know that's bad, but despite (because of?) the huge increase in activity I just don't want to eat anything and I'm not sure what to do about that. This morning I've been staring and picking at a container of yogurt with no desire to eat it. Now it's time to shower and I have to throw it away.
On an unrelated note, my quest to figure out my blood type has stalled out. Apparently the reason the Red Cross didn't put my type on my donor card was that if there isn't enough blood to use, they don't test it - they just toss it. So I went through a decade of emotionally building myself up to be able to donate without passing out (although just barely) and they didn't even use my blood. This is not an encouragement to donate again considering my intense fear of needles.
I'm just going to admit that I'm going to allow my doctor to do the blood work she wants when I go in a couple weeks and ask her to also run the type test. THEN it will be over. I will know and I will stop feeling like a mad woman.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Down For the Count
I may have mentioned that I am participating in the Day Zero 101 in 1001 challenge for the second time. If you haven't heard of it, you should check out their site here. The first time I attempted one of these challenges, I fell way short of completing it. I'm hoping to be much more successful this time - and it certainly helps that they have drastically improved their website, showing you the percentage you are towards completion (10%).
One of my goals this time is to complete the 100 Push Ups challenge (which can be found here). When beginning this challenge, the participant begins with a test to see how many consecutive, good-form push ups they can complete. I managed 6, just barely passing level one and crawling into level 2. This means of a seven week program, I begin on week 2. I had hoped with all my yoga planks I would be further along, but I'll take what I can get.
Tomorrow begins the challenge!
One of my goals this time is to complete the 100 Push Ups challenge (which can be found here). When beginning this challenge, the participant begins with a test to see how many consecutive, good-form push ups they can complete. I managed 6, just barely passing level one and crawling into level 2. This means of a seven week program, I begin on week 2. I had hoped with all my yoga planks I would be further along, but I'll take what I can get.
Tomorrow begins the challenge!
But If You Try Sometimes, You Get What You Need
Being an actor is tough - anyone who has ever faced the emotional roller coaster of auditioning can attest to this. It seems everyone has heard that actors should "get used to rejection", and its true, you do learn to live with the potential that you will not get all the roles you want. Sadly, this makes a rejection streak somewhat jarring when coming off of a ""pinch-me-could-I-possibly-be-this-lucky" streak. Hello, depression.
My friends, trying their best to be helpful (when honestly they're probably thinking what a jerk I am for not being satisfied with the roles I've already portrayed in 2013) suggested I had been working non-stop for so long perhaps I needed the break. Nonsense! I huffed, I get depressed when I'm not onstage - which is absolutely true.
But there are always things we don't see coming. Several months ago, I was asked to be a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding in July and the Matron of Honor in a college buddy's wedding in October. I was terrifically excited for a couple weeks, and then I promptly derailed into my incessant worries about being "the fat bridesmaid". This worry coupled with a convenient groupon forced me to face my anxiety/fear and take a yoga class. Once I'd used the value of my groupon I was hooked. I kept taking tougher and longer classes as often as possible. Given my heavy rehearsal schedule, this was difficult, but I made the time. Eventually thought, my theatre schedule and my yoga schedule because un-workable.
Undeterred, I signed up for a yoga channel on my Roku and began practicing at home... however, by this time I had lost a fair amount of the balance and strength I had gained over those months. I was thinking it was okay, and I was still feeling like I was much more toned than I had been - although it concerned me that on my monthly doctor visits I seemed to weigh more than I felt I ought.
...then my sister's wedding photos came in. They are stunning, the photographer did an amazing job, but I am without a doubt "the fat bridesmaid". Staring at those photos, I considered my new-found free time, the Husband's recent decision to start walking on his lunches at work, and the fact that our 3 year old Australian Cattle dog had picked up a little extra pudge around his hips. I decided we would walk as a family (the 10 year old cat would not be forced along as I once tried to walk a cat and it was a wildly unsuccessful endeavor which resulted in my sister and I dragging a large, very fluffy blue cream calico by a leash down the sidewalk - thank goodness for all the fur or the sidewalk would have done a number on her side!) I ran the plan past the Husband and he agreed. We would walk on the bike path down by the river every night, unless it was dark or raining. I was allowed to run ahead if I wanted to and he was allowed to bring his swanky new camera if he wanted. That was last week. Last week we walked on Monday, had a meeting on Tuesday and then we got lazy. Over the weekend I stepped in a hornet's nest and while attempting to strip my hornet-laden clothes to get into the shower, I stepped on one, it promptly stung me, causing me to scream, jump, roll my ankle and fall... No running on Saturday, Sunday, or Monday.
Today, I felt better. I convinced the Husband we needed to get moving and we'd both feel better. He relented. I planned to walk, but immediately found myself - just as the week before - interval training. It seemed I wanted to be able to run again. I was proud. Last week I ran 3 miles in 43 minutes, with an average pace of 14:18. Tonight I ran 3.40 miles in 46 minutes, with an average pace of 13:37! Not bad improvement. I was so pleased, I decided to set a goal. I plugged in my weight and told my app I would like to lose 15 lbs by the day of my friend's wedding. The app told me this was a tough goal - nothing I didn't already know... then I got home and actually weighed myself and found I actually weighed 8lbs more than I thought.
Suddenly, I'm so thrilled for this spare time I plan on running tomorrow sunshine or torrential downpour. Also, despite the late hour, I'll be prying myself out of bed super early tomorrow so I can do some yoga before my morning shower. With any luck I'll at least weigh what I thought I weighed before when I slip on that espresso satin sheath in October.
My friends, trying their best to be helpful (when honestly they're probably thinking what a jerk I am for not being satisfied with the roles I've already portrayed in 2013) suggested I had been working non-stop for so long perhaps I needed the break. Nonsense! I huffed, I get depressed when I'm not onstage - which is absolutely true.
But there are always things we don't see coming. Several months ago, I was asked to be a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding in July and the Matron of Honor in a college buddy's wedding in October. I was terrifically excited for a couple weeks, and then I promptly derailed into my incessant worries about being "the fat bridesmaid". This worry coupled with a convenient groupon forced me to face my anxiety/fear and take a yoga class. Once I'd used the value of my groupon I was hooked. I kept taking tougher and longer classes as often as possible. Given my heavy rehearsal schedule, this was difficult, but I made the time. Eventually thought, my theatre schedule and my yoga schedule because un-workable.
Undeterred, I signed up for a yoga channel on my Roku and began practicing at home... however, by this time I had lost a fair amount of the balance and strength I had gained over those months. I was thinking it was okay, and I was still feeling like I was much more toned than I had been - although it concerned me that on my monthly doctor visits I seemed to weigh more than I felt I ought.
...then my sister's wedding photos came in. They are stunning, the photographer did an amazing job, but I am without a doubt "the fat bridesmaid". Staring at those photos, I considered my new-found free time, the Husband's recent decision to start walking on his lunches at work, and the fact that our 3 year old Australian Cattle dog had picked up a little extra pudge around his hips. I decided we would walk as a family (the 10 year old cat would not be forced along as I once tried to walk a cat and it was a wildly unsuccessful endeavor which resulted in my sister and I dragging a large, very fluffy blue cream calico by a leash down the sidewalk - thank goodness for all the fur or the sidewalk would have done a number on her side!) I ran the plan past the Husband and he agreed. We would walk on the bike path down by the river every night, unless it was dark or raining. I was allowed to run ahead if I wanted to and he was allowed to bring his swanky new camera if he wanted. That was last week. Last week we walked on Monday, had a meeting on Tuesday and then we got lazy. Over the weekend I stepped in a hornet's nest and while attempting to strip my hornet-laden clothes to get into the shower, I stepped on one, it promptly stung me, causing me to scream, jump, roll my ankle and fall... No running on Saturday, Sunday, or Monday.
Today, I felt better. I convinced the Husband we needed to get moving and we'd both feel better. He relented. I planned to walk, but immediately found myself - just as the week before - interval training. It seemed I wanted to be able to run again. I was proud. Last week I ran 3 miles in 43 minutes, with an average pace of 14:18. Tonight I ran 3.40 miles in 46 minutes, with an average pace of 13:37! Not bad improvement. I was so pleased, I decided to set a goal. I plugged in my weight and told my app I would like to lose 15 lbs by the day of my friend's wedding. The app told me this was a tough goal - nothing I didn't already know... then I got home and actually weighed myself and found I actually weighed 8lbs more than I thought.
Suddenly, I'm so thrilled for this spare time I plan on running tomorrow sunshine or torrential downpour. Also, despite the late hour, I'll be prying myself out of bed super early tomorrow so I can do some yoga before my morning shower. With any luck I'll at least weigh what I thought I weighed before when I slip on that espresso satin sheath in October.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
California Girls
Alright, so I'm not in California (sadly, I've never been to the purportedly idyllic state), but I sort of feel like it! After months and months of non-stop work, acting, and event planning that I've been beyond burned out. So, while I miss my Internet access, acting, and yoga I'm just tickled to be manning a hot pink beach towel with my Ray Bans and a biography of Zelda Fitzgerald on my kindle for company.
I have another day and a half to while away lazily with family before theatrical obligations call me back home. If I catch a another brief period with strong cell or Internet service then perhaps I'll be able to check in again - if not I'll catch you when I'm back to the land of laundry and work.
I have another day and a half to while away lazily with family before theatrical obligations call me back home. If I catch a another brief period with strong cell or Internet service then perhaps I'll be able to check in again - if not I'll catch you when I'm back to the land of laundry and work.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
God Only Knows
A year a half ago I almost lost my father. Those are horrible words to think, and harder still to type.
Growing up I revered my daddy. He was spectacular. He made me laugh, he terrified me, he taught French, to be polite, to respect adults, to appreciate fine food and drink and ohh did he teach me music. For as long as I can remember my father loved his music more than anything and he would at length to my sisters and I about it, whether we cared or not.
Then one day he felt ill and went to bed. The next day was the same. This went on for a week until as a family (without him and his stubbornness) a decision was made. My youngest sister would get someone to cover her morning classes and she would take him to the doctor - but when she arrived at my parents house she knew something wasn't right. His speech was slurred, he was acting as though he was asleep... she was worried and used her sometimes overly forceful personality to badger the doctor in to telling her that yes, she should probably take him to an Emergency Room.
It was congestive heart failure. That was Monday. On Wednesday (my mom's birthday) they did a cath and found he had 80% blockage. The left side of his heart was permanently closed. He'd likely had several heart attacks over time, and that he needed emergency bypass. The surgeon told us after speaking with him, that before he'd spoken with my dad he was not prepared to offer him a surgery. Those words hit me square in the chest like a brick of ice and lodged there.
After a very long and very risky, quadruple bypass he made it through. For the next month we walked around on eggshells, worried anything we did might be the wrong thing, Then we hit the six month mark, then the year, and in just a few days will be 18 months.
Even now, I can't think about these facts without weeping. The fact is not lost on me that his lifespan is almost certainly dramatically less than it would have been and I can't imagine my life without him. As kids we think when we grow up we won't need our parents, but I'm 34 and knowing people who don't have a good connection with their parents, I'm eternally thankful that I still do.
So here's the start of what I'm sure will be a ridiculously long list.
Thank you dad, for:
Growing up I revered my daddy. He was spectacular. He made me laugh, he terrified me, he taught French, to be polite, to respect adults, to appreciate fine food and drink and ohh did he teach me music. For as long as I can remember my father loved his music more than anything and he would at length to my sisters and I about it, whether we cared or not.
Then one day he felt ill and went to bed. The next day was the same. This went on for a week until as a family (without him and his stubbornness) a decision was made. My youngest sister would get someone to cover her morning classes and she would take him to the doctor - but when she arrived at my parents house she knew something wasn't right. His speech was slurred, he was acting as though he was asleep... she was worried and used her sometimes overly forceful personality to badger the doctor in to telling her that yes, she should probably take him to an Emergency Room.
It was congestive heart failure. That was Monday. On Wednesday (my mom's birthday) they did a cath and found he had 80% blockage. The left side of his heart was permanently closed. He'd likely had several heart attacks over time, and that he needed emergency bypass. The surgeon told us after speaking with him, that before he'd spoken with my dad he was not prepared to offer him a surgery. Those words hit me square in the chest like a brick of ice and lodged there.
After a very long and very risky, quadruple bypass he made it through. For the next month we walked around on eggshells, worried anything we did might be the wrong thing, Then we hit the six month mark, then the year, and in just a few days will be 18 months.
Even now, I can't think about these facts without weeping. The fact is not lost on me that his lifespan is almost certainly dramatically less than it would have been and I can't imagine my life without him. As kids we think when we grow up we won't need our parents, but I'm 34 and knowing people who don't have a good connection with their parents, I'm eternally thankful that I still do.
So here's the start of what I'm sure will be a ridiculously long list.
Thank you dad, for:
- Teaching me to parrot french phrases at you in your closet.
- Brushing my hair - even when you made me cry.
- Teaching me to love Bach, The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Rocky Horror, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, Jazz, Motown - in short, for giving me what people have described time and time again as one of the most eclectic music tastes they've ever seen.
- Showing me the many splendors of Vermont, even if it was never your goal to inspire an itch in me to live there one day.
- Laughing with me on my wedding day.
- Cherishing mom the way she deserves.
- Listening deeply and intentionally to me even when you don't agree with me.
- Taking me on my college visits.
- Giving me the opportunity to hike on a glacier
- Always being the man I wanted more than anything to impress.
- Being a fighter and still being here with us.
Wouldn't It Be Nice
As I was cleaning up today, I found a Jo-Ann's coupon for 50% off yarn. Something inside me squealed with joy at the thought of all the possibilities of things I could start while on vacation at the lake next week. I set it aside, thinking I would decide later.
Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning, all I could think was "you can't start a new project! You've barely started the last one!" "But, but, but... it's big... and scary..." I sputtered at myself. "Well, maybe just a small one, a Christmas gift?" But I knew I was right. Back in December I began a somewhat complex tree skirt which was to be either a wedding gift or a shower gift for my sister and her husband. In May, at her shower, I gave her a small gift with a note explaining her real gift was the tree skirt which was not finished. I told myself I would at the least get it done so she could use it for their first Christmas together.
I started it with the best intentions, but the pattern was a little confusing and I couldn't work on it in front of her - and then I got cast as the title character in a show, then I was cast in another show, and another, and another pretty much back to back. I'm not complaining, this past 8 months I have been an incredibly lucky actor - but every time I look at the tote bag in the back of my car with all that yarn... I just can't bring myself to take it up again.
So, tempting as it is, staring longingly at all the pretty yarn on that coupon, it seems my work is already laid out for me. I just need to get crackin'.
Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning, all I could think was "you can't start a new project! You've barely started the last one!" "But, but, but... it's big... and scary..." I sputtered at myself. "Well, maybe just a small one, a Christmas gift?" But I knew I was right. Back in December I began a somewhat complex tree skirt which was to be either a wedding gift or a shower gift for my sister and her husband. In May, at her shower, I gave her a small gift with a note explaining her real gift was the tree skirt which was not finished. I told myself I would at the least get it done so she could use it for their first Christmas together.
I started it with the best intentions, but the pattern was a little confusing and I couldn't work on it in front of her - and then I got cast as the title character in a show, then I was cast in another show, and another, and another pretty much back to back. I'm not complaining, this past 8 months I have been an incredibly lucky actor - but every time I look at the tote bag in the back of my car with all that yarn... I just can't bring myself to take it up again.
So, tempting as it is, staring longingly at all the pretty yarn on that coupon, it seems my work is already laid out for me. I just need to get crackin'.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Pieces of What
I've been looking for a new job for quite a while, and like anyone in that position I've been subjected to the ever-helpful advice from my loving, caring family members ("You should really get a new job!" "Are you looking?" "have you applied for anything?") who seemingly assume that I live on the planet Delusion, where things just magically appear when you want them.
However, one day my mom did say one helpful thing, "You know, when so-and-so from my Card Club (aka monthly booze & gossip gatherings where no actual cards ever appear)'s daughter was looking she used some app on her phone." This had honestly not occurred to me, so I asked which one. Foolish question. My mom has an iphone, but I've tried to teach her about 17 times why it makes more sense to load the Starbucks app onto her phone, but she prefers to carry around a little zipper pouch with all her Starbucks giftcards rather than learn something new.
So, even though my iphone is already cluttered enough since I keep it chock full of as many songs as it can physically handle, I figured it couldn't hurt - and since I didn't know which app, I gave several a try. One of them offered to send me emails with jobs which matched my criteria - great!
...so I thought. It had not occurred to me that this app would not have taken into consideration where I live (or asked if I'd like to remain here), nor had it asked me what level of job I was actually qualified for. As a result, I now get 1-3 emails per days which are all SUPER EXCITED to share with me the jobs which fit my search!! All of which seem to be either for jobs I would NEVER be interested in because said app has mixed up the keywords to mean something from a different industry - or more commonly - ALL of the jobs are manager or director level positions out of various cities and states which are nowhere near me, or more importantly they're nowhere near my husband and his job.
How is it possible there are so many employment apps and yet not one of them seems to treat you like a dating site? Here's my thinking:
However, one day my mom did say one helpful thing, "You know, when so-and-so from my Card Club (aka monthly booze & gossip gatherings where no actual cards ever appear)'s daughter was looking she used some app on her phone." This had honestly not occurred to me, so I asked which one. Foolish question. My mom has an iphone, but I've tried to teach her about 17 times why it makes more sense to load the Starbucks app onto her phone, but she prefers to carry around a little zipper pouch with all her Starbucks giftcards rather than learn something new.
So, even though my iphone is already cluttered enough since I keep it chock full of as many songs as it can physically handle, I figured it couldn't hurt - and since I didn't know which app, I gave several a try. One of them offered to send me emails with jobs which matched my criteria - great!
...so I thought. It had not occurred to me that this app would not have taken into consideration where I live (or asked if I'd like to remain here), nor had it asked me what level of job I was actually qualified for. As a result, I now get 1-3 emails per days which are all SUPER EXCITED to share with me the jobs which fit my search!! All of which seem to be either for jobs I would NEVER be interested in because said app has mixed up the keywords to mean something from a different industry - or more commonly - ALL of the jobs are manager or director level positions out of various cities and states which are nowhere near me, or more importantly they're nowhere near my husband and his job.
How is it possible there are so many employment apps and yet not one of them seems to treat you like a dating site? Here's my thinking:
- Run a personality quiz on me (so you know what I'm suited for)
- Ask me for a resume or work history - then ask me to rate my job satisfaction for various reasons at each job
- Ask me what cities I would like to work in/near
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
For What It's Worth
I know, I know - everyone hates their job, right? We hear this all the time and we shoulder on in these jobs which beat us down, bit by bit until we just can't care anymore - except for one thing: I know better.
When I was a senior in high school, the second semester of the year rather than going to classes, I was required to do two 9 week long internships - of my choice - for class credit. My internships were with Shadowbox Cabaret Theatre in Columbus, OH and The Colorado Springs Fine Arts Center Theatre in (you guessed it) Colorado Springs. They were pure joy. During this time I decided to postpone entering undergrad for a year when I was asked to continue on at Shadowbox. I was working a full-time retail job at the local mall and another 40+ hours a week at the theatre. I was overworked, underpaid, but man, I was happy.
Then I did what we all do. I went to college. I studied theatre and philosophy - so I learned how to observe and mirror human behavior, plus logic - an oxymoron if I ever heard one. I met a very mean man who completely destroyed me, then I met a very nice man who helped me to start to rebuild myself. We fell in love and got married. He started grad school and that logical part of me jumped in and shouted "Well one of us has to make some money!" So, despite the bad economy, despite the knowledge whatever I found wouldn't be in my field, I went job hunting. I took temp jobs, some lovely, some completely demoralizing until finally, one day a company I knew offered me a decent paying job. It wasn't what I wanted even remotely, but I was convinced it would be a stepping stone.
It wasn't. That was 10 years ago and I'm still in that same job I didn't want, except now I've grown to detest the very thought of it. The people are lovely, the work really isn't that bad, but it doesn't interest me - it isn't challenging and there is simply no room for growth - plus we have to work holidays.
So I made a pact, I set a date and marked it on my calendar as "the last day I am willing to be miserable." It's been tough, figuring out what I might enjoy besides theatre, but I'm learning. It's been tough having faith in myself and believing in my potential enough to be able to write a decent cover letter and to believe I am qualified for these positions, but I'm not giving up.
In the last 4 days I have submitted as many applications. I have 8 more on deck (I have to pace myself so I don't rush them and miss details). I am certain that there exists a job which I will enjoy and I will find it.
When I was a senior in high school, the second semester of the year rather than going to classes, I was required to do two 9 week long internships - of my choice - for class credit. My internships were with Shadowbox Cabaret Theatre in Columbus, OH and The Colorado Springs Fine Arts Center Theatre in (you guessed it) Colorado Springs. They were pure joy. During this time I decided to postpone entering undergrad for a year when I was asked to continue on at Shadowbox. I was working a full-time retail job at the local mall and another 40+ hours a week at the theatre. I was overworked, underpaid, but man, I was happy.
Then I did what we all do. I went to college. I studied theatre and philosophy - so I learned how to observe and mirror human behavior, plus logic - an oxymoron if I ever heard one. I met a very mean man who completely destroyed me, then I met a very nice man who helped me to start to rebuild myself. We fell in love and got married. He started grad school and that logical part of me jumped in and shouted "Well one of us has to make some money!" So, despite the bad economy, despite the knowledge whatever I found wouldn't be in my field, I went job hunting. I took temp jobs, some lovely, some completely demoralizing until finally, one day a company I knew offered me a decent paying job. It wasn't what I wanted even remotely, but I was convinced it would be a stepping stone.
It wasn't. That was 10 years ago and I'm still in that same job I didn't want, except now I've grown to detest the very thought of it. The people are lovely, the work really isn't that bad, but it doesn't interest me - it isn't challenging and there is simply no room for growth - plus we have to work holidays.
So I made a pact, I set a date and marked it on my calendar as "the last day I am willing to be miserable." It's been tough, figuring out what I might enjoy besides theatre, but I'm learning. It's been tough having faith in myself and believing in my potential enough to be able to write a decent cover letter and to believe I am qualified for these positions, but I'm not giving up.
In the last 4 days I have submitted as many applications. I have 8 more on deck (I have to pace myself so I don't rush them and miss details). I am certain that there exists a job which I will enjoy and I will find it.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Everybody's free to feel good
Tomorrow marks two momentous occasions: my first yoga practice in over six weeks and my first MadLab Christmas.
I was terrified to take on this Roulette role. I never thought I would be able to allow myself to be gutsy enough to pantomime having sex onstage. The idea scared the shit out of me, but I couldn't see a reason not to take on the challenge. It was a tough rehearsal process, opening up, exposing myself in such a way... but I kept at it and I like to think I found my stride. But the best bit has been acting with my husband. This play, the intimacy, the honesty - it has opened up our relationship in little ways I would have thought weren't possible after almost nine years of marriage. I am unbelievably grateful.
Just a mere year ago, I was an incredibly unhappy person. Unfulfilled, frustrated, over-worked, under-appreciated, and my talents as an actress were simply not being utilized. I felt I was not valued anywhere and that no one truly appreciated me. Now, I'm overwhelmed by the roles being offered to me - the opportunities to stretch myself and grow I had been longing for. My marriage is happier, my friends are true.
I missed 6 weeks of yoga due to unfortunate, unforeseen circumstances. I don't regret my choices, but I regret the impact missing practice for so long has had on my body. Admittedly, I'm pretty scared to go tomorrow - I'd hoped to have some moral support, but perhaps it's better this way. Yoga is about inner strength, sometimes it's a good thing to take something on by yourself.
I was terrified to take on this Roulette role. I never thought I would be able to allow myself to be gutsy enough to pantomime having sex onstage. The idea scared the shit out of me, but I couldn't see a reason not to take on the challenge. It was a tough rehearsal process, opening up, exposing myself in such a way... but I kept at it and I like to think I found my stride. But the best bit has been acting with my husband. This play, the intimacy, the honesty - it has opened up our relationship in little ways I would have thought weren't possible after almost nine years of marriage. I am unbelievably grateful.
Just a mere year ago, I was an incredibly unhappy person. Unfulfilled, frustrated, over-worked, under-appreciated, and my talents as an actress were simply not being utilized. I felt I was not valued anywhere and that no one truly appreciated me. Now, I'm overwhelmed by the roles being offered to me - the opportunities to stretch myself and grow I had been longing for. My marriage is happier, my friends are true.
I missed 6 weeks of yoga due to unfortunate, unforeseen circumstances. I don't regret my choices, but I regret the impact missing practice for so long has had on my body. Admittedly, I'm pretty scared to go tomorrow - I'd hoped to have some moral support, but perhaps it's better this way. Yoga is about inner strength, sometimes it's a good thing to take something on by yourself.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Electric Feel
About a month ago I had a ridiculous optional breakdown about something stupid that happened because I thought it would mean I had no chance of being cast in an audition I had been anxiously awaiting. Turns out I was wrong. I went to the auditions, walked out without a clue how it had gone - in fact I thought perhaps I came across too flat. Turns out I was wrong. For the second time in the space of 3 months I walked out of an audition for a role I really, REALLY wanted thinking I was too flat only to be told I'd nailed it. I can't say I understand it, but I'm certainly not complaining.
I was incredibly excited, then on Sunday we had our first read thru and holy shit. This is without a doubt the best thing I have ever been a part of - and it is simply killing me - gnawing at me that we won't begin rehearsals until sometime in May. I should be focusing on my lines for the short I'm rehearsing now, but instead I find myself running constant google searches to learn more about Boris Vian and The Empire Builders, because damn is this shit gonna be amazing.
I was incredibly excited, then on Sunday we had our first read thru and holy shit. This is without a doubt the best thing I have ever been a part of - and it is simply killing me - gnawing at me that we won't begin rehearsals until sometime in May. I should be focusing on my lines for the short I'm rehearsing now, but instead I find myself running constant google searches to learn more about Boris Vian and The Empire Builders, because damn is this shit gonna be amazing.
Monday, March 25, 2013
You will look for me, and I'll be gone
On a couple of occasions I have been in the final relaxation pose of a particularly grueling yoga class and sudden found myself almost in tears for various reasons. Last time it happened it was a joyful recognition of all the wonderful people and opportunities I have in my life. Tonight was very different.
Lying there in savasana, completely relaxed, suddenly moments from She's Dead floated into my all - all of the most painful moments: Judy yelling at Erin about her funeral plan on Christmas, Sam saying his love for her will live on until the heart of the ocean drowns, Judy saying "Goodbye my sweet baby." It didn't quite bring me to tears, but it was very overwhelming.
As I packed up and left the studio, I was calm. I wondered why that had come to me like that. Then as I turned on the car and plugged in my iphone, the shuffle, brought up the last song of the show. The song which began as Erin was covered with a sheet and carried out by her loved ones. That was too much. I sobbed, alone in the car - feeling as though all the tears which I couldn't let myself crying during performances (since corpses don't cry!) were suddenly forcing themselves to the surface.
I don't get post-show depression, I just get depressed when I'm not acting and fortunately I have two roles on deck right now. There are some shows I miss longer than others, and this may very well be one that takes a bit to get over, but I have never physically grieved for a show before. It was unnerving and surreal.
Lying there in savasana, completely relaxed, suddenly moments from She's Dead floated into my all - all of the most painful moments: Judy yelling at Erin about her funeral plan on Christmas, Sam saying his love for her will live on until the heart of the ocean drowns, Judy saying "Goodbye my sweet baby." It didn't quite bring me to tears, but it was very overwhelming.
As I packed up and left the studio, I was calm. I wondered why that had come to me like that. Then as I turned on the car and plugged in my iphone, the shuffle, brought up the last song of the show. The song which began as Erin was covered with a sheet and carried out by her loved ones. That was too much. I sobbed, alone in the car - feeling as though all the tears which I couldn't let myself crying during performances (since corpses don't cry!) were suddenly forcing themselves to the surface.
I don't get post-show depression, I just get depressed when I'm not acting and fortunately I have two roles on deck right now. There are some shows I miss longer than others, and this may very well be one that takes a bit to get over, but I have never physically grieved for a show before. It was unnerving and surreal.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
No day but today
Since my first theatrical production at 13 I've hated the end of a run. There's something slightly devastating about letting go of this person - these people who have become so much a part of you, even if it's just been a few short months. It's been 20 years since that first audition and I have learned to let go, but I wouldn't say that it has ever become easy for me, although some shows are harder than others.
Tonight I will say goodbye to Erin. A character I knew I wanted to play when I first read the script almost year ago, one I was thrilled to be cast in, and one I have fully enjoyed portraying. Erin is endearing, funny, joyful, and so very caring - and the cast is one I'm lucky to have had the pleasure to work with. So despite my intense excitement at the two roles I am just beginning to rehearse, I'm already finding myself sad to see Erin go.
I hope the new people I have met will keep in contact, but as Erin's boyfriend says, "I don't know. I really don't know what's going to happen." So instead of focusing on the voice in my head reminding me that after tonight the next time I walk into the theatre we will have already moved on to our next production - there will be no Titantic, no deathbed, no thermostat, no front door, or fabulous painted floor, I'm trying to focus on today. Tonight, there will be nothing but joy.
Erin wouldn't want a tearful goodbye.
Tonight I will say goodbye to Erin. A character I knew I wanted to play when I first read the script almost year ago, one I was thrilled to be cast in, and one I have fully enjoyed portraying. Erin is endearing, funny, joyful, and so very caring - and the cast is one I'm lucky to have had the pleasure to work with. So despite my intense excitement at the two roles I am just beginning to rehearse, I'm already finding myself sad to see Erin go.
I hope the new people I have met will keep in contact, but as Erin's boyfriend says, "I don't know. I really don't know what's going to happen." So instead of focusing on the voice in my head reminding me that after tonight the next time I walk into the theatre we will have already moved on to our next production - there will be no Titantic, no deathbed, no thermostat, no front door, or fabulous painted floor, I'm trying to focus on today. Tonight, there will be nothing but joy.
Erin wouldn't want a tearful goodbye.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Little Things
Five years ago when I began readings play
submissions I was surprised to find how many writers don’t follow
standard formatting. Being a playwright myself and having studied the craft in school, I guess initially I assumed everyone who would submit a script to a theatre would know the basics.
I should point out that I adore playwrights and I truly find joy in discovering new works worth producing. When I find those scripts, I don't just fight for them at my theatre - I keep fighting for them. I directed a play 2-3 years ago which I still tell everyone I can about to try to get others to produce it. When I was a Literary Manager my absolute favorite though, was establishing a relationship with the playwrights whose plays we produced - and I still love this. In fact tomorrow I'll be meeting the playwright of the play I'm currently acting in and I'm so giddy with delight I can't sleep.
Our theatre receives hundreds of plays every year. It takes a heck of a lot of manpower just to read them all. So at my day job, I spend my lunch breaks reading submissions. Today, I picked up a play which began with an utter
nonsense synopsis. I was discussing it with a friend who is also
a playwright, she casually mentioned that someone should write down all
these little nuisances for aspiring playwrights. So here goes – this is
what I’ve learned:
- For the love of God, please use page numbers. I don’t care where they are, just use them. Without them you make the job of any Director, Stage Manager, Actor, etc. trying to use your play far more difficult.
- Consider that people will be walking around reading your script – in other words, the spacing should not be formatted like a term paper. Give your words some breathing room.
- FONT – don’t use anything smaller than 11pt, or anything bigger than 14pt. Use a simple, standard font. The person reading an electronic copy may not have the wonky font you think is “cool”. If your font is too fussy, I’ll think you’re trying to compensate for something lacking in the story and the actors won’t be able to read it as readily.
- The Title page (YES you NEED to have one) should include: the title, perhaps the type of play (drama, comedy, etc.) and how many acts, your name, your email, your physical address, possibly your phone number – nothing more, nothing less.
- The Cast of Characters (YES you NEED to have one) should list all characters, their age range, gender, race (if a specific race is required), and if necessary a BRIEF description of each. This page helps theatres understand how many actors will be required and if your play will fit with their talent pool.
- Synopsis – Include one or don’t, but please keep it brief. No more than half a page max.
- If possible, when submitting a play go to the theatre’s website. Get a feel for what they produce, there’s no point in submitting a musical to a theatre that doesn’t produce musicals (or vice versa).
- When writing your characters consider casting. Is it really necessary to refer to a character specifically as tall, blonde, fat, busty, etc.? If it’s not important to the story don’t include these details because they will limit who the theatre can cast and in some cases may make your work more difficult to produce.
- Likewise, consider actions – requiring a character to change clothing in 1-2 pages can be very difficult, requiring a change in less time, practically impossible. Requiring a character to change hair or makeup is even more difficult. If something must be damaged, cut or destroyed will it be costly or difficult to accomplish this night after night?
- Children and teens are hard to find and take more effort to direct. They can be a deterrent to electing to produce a script.
- What scenic changes do you require? If you require only one set, that’s an asset for any theatre! Mention it on the same page as your Cast of Characters. If you require lots of changes, recognize you may be limiting which theatres have the resources to produce your work.
- Consider how an audience will perceive actions performed, for example: audiences can be scared by knives, so don’t use them if your intention is not to display erratic or dangerous behavior.
- When in doubt, trust your audience. They are intelligent. Don’t talk down to them or you’ll lose them.
- Do your research. If your play requires a character to speak to high-level math, science or in general to be an expert, make sure you understand what they’re saying and that they in fact sound like an expert. Otherwise you run the risk of having an actual expert in that field come to your show and hate it because of its inaccuracies. It happens more than you’d think.
- PROOFREAD. Then proofread it again. If possible, have someone else check it for errors too. A spelling error can cause confusion, as can a missing or extra word, or other inaccuracies.
- If you must include nudity or sex (especially rape or incest) make sure it’s truly necessary to the story.
- Don’t include more stage directions than necessary.
- Unless it is important to the story do not do the job of the scenic designer, casting director, director, or costume designer for them. The less specific you are, the more creativity you will be able to inspire to make each production different and exciting.
- Do not use a song you do not have permission to use - in fact do not use any copyrighted material without being certain you have permission to use it or the theatre will not legally be able to produce your play. (Think about it - would you want some random person quoting your play in a production without permission?)
- Just as with casting, consider any props or set pieces you describe in the dialogue. Unless, it is truly pertinent to the story, don’t describe that radio as being mint green since the theatre will then be forced to locate (or make) an item to meet your exact specifications.
- Get your audience's attention quickly. You only have a few pages to grab them, you don't have to make them ridiculously dramatic, just make sure something is happening to keep them interested in seeing what will unfold.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
"Acting represents all that human beings experience, and if you want it to be 'nice' you will never be a serious communicator of the human experience." - Larry Moss
Me: "Acting is fucking brutal. People who think otherwise make me want to punch things."
Friend: "And there you have it.... just agreeing with you."
I've mentioned before my extreme distaste for those who think actors "lazy" or "stupid" since actors are the hardest working people I know. Tonight has just served to remind me how incredibly foolish those people are.
Over the past several weeks I've bee rehearsing a show I loved from the day I read it. I had my heart set on a specific role - in fact it was the only role I cared about being cast in for my company's 2013 season. In the beginning I thought the tough part would be the fact that the part requires partial nudity - something I've never done before, then I thought the hard part would be the fact that she is dying. I was wrong on both counts.
The more I learned the role, the more I mulled over everything about the script, the more I got a feel for all but one short scene - and along the way I found myself losing touch with a different scene which is so pure it almost brought me to tears during my audition. I kept thinking I would find a way back to the honest emotion of that scene - and I would figure the other out, but it didn't happen.
I broke down and voiced my concerns to the director, but tonight somehow it was just too much too bear anymore. My fellow actors were pouring their hearts out and I just knew I was letting them down. "You're FINE" everyone kept telling me as we left the theatre - there are two problems with that, the first being how can you possibly accept that when every cell in your entire being says you're not being present or honest? The second? How is "fine" ever acceptable in the arts? Fine is simply not good enough. If fine is your goal, why are you even trying?
I drove home in such a daze I'm not even sure I was aware of anything but the fear, failure, and loathing welling up in the back of my throat. I wasn't entirely sure where I was going -I wasn't headed home. Finally, I pulled into an empty park.
I reached out to ask advice of two people I trust. I re-watched Patsy Rodenburg's Why I Do Theatre TED Talk video, I googled a million links until finally something struck a chord. Then, one of the two friends responded and her response simply built upon what I'd just figured out. After reading and re-reading the scene I realized... I had gotten so inside my own head I wasn't participating.
That's right - while playing a girl who is dying, but is so caring she is far more hurt by the pain she realizes she is/will be causing her loved ones with her untimely death than she is concerned for herself... I was busy thinking about myself. In short, I was being human and had lost sight of the intention. I felt a broken, worn out fool. It took me 5 hours of intense scrutiny to see something so obvious it could have punched me in the face. But then, perhaps I'm still looking from the wrong perspective. Maybe I needed to be hit in the head, but in the end I did work through it and I'm feeling pretty confident that on Saturday when I have a chance to attempt the scene again this time I'll get it right. With two weeks to go, that doesn't seem like such a bad place to be.
Friend: "And there you have it.... just agreeing with you."
I've mentioned before my extreme distaste for those who think actors "lazy" or "stupid" since actors are the hardest working people I know. Tonight has just served to remind me how incredibly foolish those people are.
Over the past several weeks I've bee rehearsing a show I loved from the day I read it. I had my heart set on a specific role - in fact it was the only role I cared about being cast in for my company's 2013 season. In the beginning I thought the tough part would be the fact that the part requires partial nudity - something I've never done before, then I thought the hard part would be the fact that she is dying. I was wrong on both counts.
The more I learned the role, the more I mulled over everything about the script, the more I got a feel for all but one short scene - and along the way I found myself losing touch with a different scene which is so pure it almost brought me to tears during my audition. I kept thinking I would find a way back to the honest emotion of that scene - and I would figure the other out, but it didn't happen.
I broke down and voiced my concerns to the director, but tonight somehow it was just too much too bear anymore. My fellow actors were pouring their hearts out and I just knew I was letting them down. "You're FINE" everyone kept telling me as we left the theatre - there are two problems with that, the first being how can you possibly accept that when every cell in your entire being says you're not being present or honest? The second? How is "fine" ever acceptable in the arts? Fine is simply not good enough. If fine is your goal, why are you even trying?
I drove home in such a daze I'm not even sure I was aware of anything but the fear, failure, and loathing welling up in the back of my throat. I wasn't entirely sure where I was going -I wasn't headed home. Finally, I pulled into an empty park.
I reached out to ask advice of two people I trust. I re-watched Patsy Rodenburg's Why I Do Theatre TED Talk video, I googled a million links until finally something struck a chord. Then, one of the two friends responded and her response simply built upon what I'd just figured out. After reading and re-reading the scene I realized... I had gotten so inside my own head I wasn't participating.
That's right - while playing a girl who is dying, but is so caring she is far more hurt by the pain she realizes she is/will be causing her loved ones with her untimely death than she is concerned for herself... I was busy thinking about myself. In short, I was being human and had lost sight of the intention. I felt a broken, worn out fool. It took me 5 hours of intense scrutiny to see something so obvious it could have punched me in the face. But then, perhaps I'm still looking from the wrong perspective. Maybe I needed to be hit in the head, but in the end I did work through it and I'm feeling pretty confident that on Saturday when I have a chance to attempt the scene again this time I'll get it right. With two weeks to go, that doesn't seem like such a bad place to be.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Finding Balance
I'm not sure why, but it always seems as though everything comes together all at once. Now, it is true I've handled some recent monumental letdowns - but mostly in spite of barely having time to live I've been joyfully accepting, attempting, and opening up about things I spent years, even decades concealing.
I was cast in the one role I desired most this season and I am thoroughly enjoying the discovery, the play, - and the vulnerability in the role.
I started taking yoga, and have consistently taken 1-3 classes per week for several weeks now. I feel great, I have a more positive self-image, and I have been to appreciate and love myself in a way I never thought could.
I wrote a new play- a short one mind you, but a complete one that I feel good about - and then I showed it to people, Not many people, but a few people I trust. For the first time in the 12 years since I started writing plays, I actually feel like I'm hiding a talent, rather than looking back on something I once thought I could do. It reminds me I once applied for a very prestigious fellowship, and although I was rejected, the rejection letter gave every indication I was seriously considered - and that my writing was intelligent, confident, ambitious in all the best ways and full of enormous promise.
It seems I am facing fears one by one. Fear is a powerful thing, but mostly because it gathers like a storm of doubts and what ifs - when we stand tall and look them straight in the eye, they're just hurdles we can take one at a time. I promise I will continue to take those hurdles, confidently, giving in to the discomfort so I can find the honesty, the humor, the promise, the fullness and the joy.
I was cast in the one role I desired most this season and I am thoroughly enjoying the discovery, the play, - and the vulnerability in the role.
I started taking yoga, and have consistently taken 1-3 classes per week for several weeks now. I feel great, I have a more positive self-image, and I have been to appreciate and love myself in a way I never thought could.
I wrote a new play- a short one mind you, but a complete one that I feel good about - and then I showed it to people, Not many people, but a few people I trust. For the first time in the 12 years since I started writing plays, I actually feel like I'm hiding a talent, rather than looking back on something I once thought I could do. It reminds me I once applied for a very prestigious fellowship, and although I was rejected, the rejection letter gave every indication I was seriously considered - and that my writing was intelligent, confident, ambitious in all the best ways and full of enormous promise.
It seems I am facing fears one by one. Fear is a powerful thing, but mostly because it gathers like a storm of doubts and what ifs - when we stand tall and look them straight in the eye, they're just hurdles we can take one at a time. I promise I will continue to take those hurdles, confidently, giving in to the discomfort so I can find the honesty, the humor, the promise, the fullness and the joy.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, lucky to have been where I have been...
Sometimes these days I take stock and can't quite believe how far I've come in a year. This time last year I was unbearably miserable. I trusted no one. I had no friends, no faith in myself, no sense that I fit in anywhere - and yet I kept trying to squeeze myself into every space I thought I might fit.
Then something happened. I was terribly let down, stabbed in the back by those I had once thought I could trust the most... and that allowed me to see how abusive our relationship had become. I was once again allowing someone to brutalize me emotionally for no good reason - a decade after I had vowed I would never let anyone do that to me again. It was horrible, but it was also freeing. Once I let go of the tears, I could let myself float, and see where I fit. I could make my own choices, be my own person - but more than anything I could put myself in situations which would challenge me.
Since that time:
I've become closer with my husband.
I've met new friends and become friends with others who were previously just acquaintances.
I've taken roles I didn't want because I knew they would push me, and I have tried my damndest to do them justice.
I've written two scripts.
I've agreed to do nudity onstage, because I love the role so much I think its worth the vulnerability.
I've opened up to people about how I was raped when I was 20.
I've started a new 101 in 1001 and have already accomplished several things on the list.
I finally got the guts to paint my living room the color I wanted to - in spite of what others might think.
I stopped caring what others think so much, and started to become the person I once was back before the first time I allowed someone to abuse me.
I have SO much joy in the last 5 months of my life - I've played melodrama, a crochety grandma, a lesbian desperate for a baby, a poet reunited with the man who could have been the love of her life, and now I'm playing a truly joyful girl who is dying far before her time and yet cares far more about how it will impact the others in her life, oh and up next? I'm gonna share the stage with my husband. Something I haven't done since 1998. It'll be raunchy, but sweet, and I'm looking forward to the experience.
My baby sister and one of my best friends from college - two women who have lived through a world of pain have found truly deserving men and I'm thrilled to put on a pretty frock and stand up there to share in their special days.
Honestly, I'm not sure how one gets so lucky.
Then something happened. I was terribly let down, stabbed in the back by those I had once thought I could trust the most... and that allowed me to see how abusive our relationship had become. I was once again allowing someone to brutalize me emotionally for no good reason - a decade after I had vowed I would never let anyone do that to me again. It was horrible, but it was also freeing. Once I let go of the tears, I could let myself float, and see where I fit. I could make my own choices, be my own person - but more than anything I could put myself in situations which would challenge me.
Since that time:
I've become closer with my husband.
I've met new friends and become friends with others who were previously just acquaintances.
I've taken roles I didn't want because I knew they would push me, and I have tried my damndest to do them justice.
I've written two scripts.
I've agreed to do nudity onstage, because I love the role so much I think its worth the vulnerability.
I've opened up to people about how I was raped when I was 20.
I've started a new 101 in 1001 and have already accomplished several things on the list.
I finally got the guts to paint my living room the color I wanted to - in spite of what others might think.
I stopped caring what others think so much, and started to become the person I once was back before the first time I allowed someone to abuse me.
I have SO much joy in the last 5 months of my life - I've played melodrama, a crochety grandma, a lesbian desperate for a baby, a poet reunited with the man who could have been the love of her life, and now I'm playing a truly joyful girl who is dying far before her time and yet cares far more about how it will impact the others in her life, oh and up next? I'm gonna share the stage with my husband. Something I haven't done since 1998. It'll be raunchy, but sweet, and I'm looking forward to the experience.
My baby sister and one of my best friends from college - two women who have lived through a world of pain have found truly deserving men and I'm thrilled to put on a pretty frock and stand up there to share in their special days.
Honestly, I'm not sure how one gets so lucky.
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