On a couple of occasions I have been in the final relaxation pose of a particularly grueling yoga class and sudden found myself almost in tears for various reasons. Last time it happened it was a joyful recognition of all the wonderful people and opportunities I have in my life. Tonight was very different.
Lying there in savasana, completely relaxed, suddenly moments from She's Dead floated into my all - all of the most painful moments: Judy yelling at Erin about her funeral plan on Christmas, Sam saying his love for her will live on until the heart of the ocean drowns, Judy saying "Goodbye my sweet baby." It didn't quite bring me to tears, but it was very overwhelming.
As I packed up and left the studio, I was calm. I wondered why that had come to me like that. Then as I turned on the car and plugged in my iphone, the shuffle, brought up the last song of the show. The song which began as Erin was covered with a sheet and carried out by her loved ones. That was too much. I sobbed, alone in the car - feeling as though all the tears which I couldn't let myself crying during performances (since corpses don't cry!) were suddenly forcing themselves to the surface.
I don't get post-show depression, I just get depressed when I'm not acting and fortunately I have two roles on deck right now. There are some shows I miss longer than others, and this may very well be one that takes a bit to get over, but I have never physically grieved for a show before. It was unnerving and surreal.
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