Sometimes these days I take stock and can't quite believe how far I've come in a year. This time last year I was unbearably miserable. I trusted no one. I had no friends, no faith in myself, no sense that I fit in anywhere - and yet I kept trying to squeeze myself into every space I thought I might fit.
Then something happened. I was terribly let down, stabbed in the back by those I had once thought I could trust the most... and that allowed me to see how abusive our relationship had become. I was once again allowing someone to brutalize me emotionally for no good reason - a decade after I had vowed I would never let anyone do that to me again. It was horrible, but it was also freeing. Once I let go of the tears, I could let myself float, and see where I fit. I could make my own choices, be my own person - but more than anything I could put myself in situations which would challenge me.
Since that time:
I've become closer with my husband.
I've met new friends and become friends with others who were previously just acquaintances.
I've taken roles I didn't want because I knew they would push me, and I have tried my damndest to do them justice.
I've written two scripts.
I've agreed to do nudity onstage, because I love the role so much I think its worth the vulnerability.
I've opened up to people about how I was raped when I was 20.
I've started a new 101 in 1001 and have already accomplished several things on the list.
I finally got the guts to paint my living room the color I wanted to - in spite of what others might think.
I stopped caring what others think so much, and started to become the person I once was back before the first time I allowed someone to abuse me.
I have SO much joy in the last 5 months of my life - I've played melodrama, a crochety grandma, a lesbian desperate for a baby, a poet reunited with the man who could have been the love of her life, and now I'm playing a truly joyful girl who is dying far before her time and yet cares far more about how it will impact the others in her life, oh and up next? I'm gonna share the stage with my husband. Something I haven't done since 1998. It'll be raunchy, but sweet, and I'm looking forward to the experience.
My baby sister and one of my best friends from college - two women who have lived through a world of pain have found truly deserving men and I'm thrilled to put on a pretty frock and stand up there to share in their special days.
Honestly, I'm not sure how one gets so lucky.
