But If You Try Sometimes, You Get What You Need

Being an actor is tough - anyone who has ever faced the emotional roller coaster of auditioning can attest to this. It seems everyone has heard that actors should "get used to rejection", and its true, you do learn to live with the potential that you will not get all the roles you want. Sadly, this makes a rejection streak somewhat jarring when coming off of a ""pinch-me-could-I-possibly-be-this-lucky" streak. Hello, depression.

My friends, trying their best to be helpful (when honestly they're probably thinking what a jerk I am for not being satisfied with the roles I've already portrayed in 2013) suggested I had been working non-stop for so long perhaps I needed the break. Nonsense! I huffed, I get depressed when I'm not onstage - which is absolutely true. 

But there are always things we don't see coming. Several months ago, I was asked to be a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding in July and the Matron of Honor in a college buddy's wedding in October. I was terrifically excited for a couple weeks, and then I promptly derailed into my incessant worries about being "the fat bridesmaid". This worry coupled with a convenient groupon forced me to face my anxiety/fear and take a yoga class. Once I'd used the value of my groupon I was hooked. I kept taking tougher and longer classes as often as possible. Given my heavy rehearsal schedule, this was difficult, but I made the time. Eventually thought, my theatre schedule and my yoga schedule because un-workable. 

Undeterred, I signed up for a yoga channel on my Roku and began practicing at home... however, by this time I had lost a fair amount of the balance and strength I had gained over those months. I was thinking it was okay, and I was still feeling like I was much more toned than I had been - although it concerned me that on my monthly doctor visits I seemed to weigh more than I felt I ought.

...then my sister's wedding photos came in. They are stunning, the photographer did an amazing job, but I am without a doubt "the fat bridesmaid". Staring at those photos, I considered my new-found free time, the Husband's recent decision to start walking on his lunches at work, and the fact that our 3 year old Australian Cattle dog had picked up a little extra pudge around his hips. I decided we would walk as a family (the 10 year old cat would not be forced along as I once tried to walk a cat and it was a wildly unsuccessful endeavor which resulted in my sister and I dragging a large, very fluffy blue cream calico by a leash down the sidewalk - thank goodness for all the fur or the sidewalk would have done a number on her side!) I ran the plan past the Husband and he agreed. We would walk on the bike path down by the river every night, unless it was dark or raining. I was allowed to run ahead if I wanted to and he was allowed to bring his swanky new camera if he wanted. That was last week. Last week we walked on Monday, had a meeting on Tuesday and then we got lazy. Over the weekend I stepped in a hornet's nest and while attempting to strip my hornet-laden clothes to get into the shower, I stepped on one, it promptly stung me, causing me to scream, jump, roll my ankle and fall... No running on Saturday, Sunday, or Monday.

Today, I felt better. I convinced the Husband we needed to get moving and we'd both feel better. He relented. I planned to walk, but immediately found myself - just as the week before - interval training. It seemed I wanted to be able to run again. I was proud. Last week I ran 3 miles in 43 minutes, with an average pace of 14:18. Tonight I ran 3.40 miles in  46 minutes, with an average pace of 13:37! Not bad improvement. I was so pleased, I decided to set a goal. I plugged in my weight  and told my app I would like to lose 15 lbs by the day of my friend's wedding. The app told me this was a tough goal - nothing I didn't already know... then I got home and actually weighed myself and found I actually weighed 8lbs more than I thought. 

Suddenly, I'm so thrilled for this spare time I plan on running tomorrow sunshine or torrential downpour. Also, despite the late hour, I'll be prying myself out of bed super early tomorrow so I can do some yoga before my morning shower. With any luck I'll at least weigh what I thought I weighed before when I slip on that espresso satin sheath in October.

Pieces of What

I've been looking for a new job for quite a while, and like anyone in that position I've been subjected to the ever-helpful advice from my loving, caring family members ("You should really get a new job!" "Are you looking?" "have you applied for anything?") who seemingly assume that I live on the planet Delusion, where things just magically appear when you want them.

However, one day my mom did say one helpful thing, "You know, when so-and-so from my Card Club (aka monthly booze & gossip gatherings where no actual cards ever appear)'s daughter was looking she used some app on her phone." This had honestly not occurred to me, so I asked which one. Foolish question. My mom has an iphone, but I've tried to teach her about 17 times why it makes more sense to load the Starbucks app onto her phone, but she prefers to carry around a little zipper pouch with all her Starbucks giftcards rather than learn something new.

So, even though my iphone is already cluttered enough since I keep it chock full of as many songs as it can physically handle, I figured it couldn't hurt - and since I didn't know which app, I gave several a try. One of them offered to send me emails with jobs which matched my criteria - great!

...so I thought. It had not occurred to me that this app would not have taken into consideration where I live (or asked if I'd like to remain here), nor had it asked me what level of job I was actually qualified for. As a result, I now get 1-3 emails per days which are all SUPER EXCITED to share with me the jobs which fit my search!! All of which seem to be either for jobs I would NEVER be interested in because said app has mixed up the keywords to mean something from a different industry - or more commonly - ALL of the jobs are manager or director level positions out of various cities and states which are nowhere near me, or more importantly they're nowhere near my husband and his job.

How is it possible there are so many employment apps and yet not one of them seems to treat you like a dating site? Here's my thinking:

• Run a personality quiz on me (so you know what I'm suited for)
• Ask me for a resume or work history - then ask me to rate my job satisfaction for various reasons at each job
• Ask me what cities I would like to work in/near

Drastic, I know, but if it worked for online dating, why can't it work for finding people employment they'd actually enjoy??

Everybody's free to feel good

Tomorrow marks two momentous occasions: my first yoga practice in over six weeks and my first MadLab Christmas.

I was terrified to take on this Roulette role. I never thought I would be able to allow myself to be gutsy enough to pantomime having sex onstage. The idea scared the shit out of me, but I couldn't see a reason not to take on the challenge. It was a tough rehearsal process, opening up, exposing myself in such a way... but I kept at it and I like to think I found my stride. But the best bit has been acting with my husband. This play, the intimacy, the honesty - it has opened up our relationship in little ways I would have thought  weren't possible after almost nine years of marriage. I am unbelievably grateful.

Just a mere year ago, I was an incredibly unhappy person. Unfulfilled, frustrated, over-worked, under-appreciated, and my talents as an actress were simply not being utilized. I felt I was not valued anywhere and that no one truly appreciated me. Now, I'm overwhelmed by the roles being offered to me - the opportunities to stretch myself and grow I had been longing for. My marriage is happier, my friends are true.

I missed 6 weeks of yoga due to unfortunate, unforeseen circumstances. I don't regret my choices, but I regret the impact missing practice for so long has had on my body. Admittedly, I'm pretty scared to go tomorrow - I'd hoped to have some moral support, but perhaps it's better this way. Yoga is about inner strength, sometimes it's a good thing to take something on by yourself.

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, lucky to have been where I have been...

Sometimes these days I take stock and can't quite believe how far I've come in a year. This time last year I was unbearably miserable. I trusted no one. I had no friends, no faith in myself, no sense that I fit in anywhere - and yet I kept trying to squeeze myself into every space I thought I might fit.

Then something happened. I was terribly let down, stabbed in the back by those I had once thought I could trust the most... and that allowed me to see how abusive our relationship had become. I was once again allowing someone to brutalize me emotionally for no good reason - a decade after I had vowed I would never let anyone do that to me again. It was horrible, but it was also freeing. Once I let go of the tears, I could let myself float, and see where I fit. I could make my own choices, be my own person  - but more than anything I could put myself in situations which would challenge me.

Since that time:
I've become closer with my husband.
I've met new friends and become friends with others who were previously just acquaintances.
I've taken roles I didn't want because I knew they would push me, and I have tried my damndest to do them justice.
I've written two scripts.
I've agreed to do nudity onstage, because I love the role so much I think its worth the vulnerability.
I've opened up to people about how I was raped when I was 20.
I've started a new 101 in 1001 and have already accomplished several things on the list.
I finally got the guts to paint my living room the color I wanted to - in spite of what others might think.
I stopped caring what others think so much, and started to become the person I once was back before the first time I allowed someone to abuse me.

I have SO much joy in the last 5 months of my life - I've played melodrama, a crochety grandma, a lesbian desperate for a baby, a poet reunited with the man who could have been the love of her life, and now I'm playing a truly joyful girl who is dying far before her time and yet cares far more about how it will impact the others in her life, oh and up next? I'm gonna share the stage with my husband. Something I haven't done since 1998. It'll be raunchy, but sweet, and I'm looking forward to the experience.

My baby sister and one of my best friends from college - two women who have lived through a world of pain have found truly deserving men and I'm thrilled to put on a pretty frock and stand up there to share in their special days.

Honestly, I'm not sure how one gets so lucky.

It's Just Question of Eliminating Obstacles

We all say the same things - or at least it seems that way (and coincidentally we all sound like a late-90's Sheryl Crow song): "No one said it would be easy, but no one said it's be this hard." and this just idn't how I thought my life would be, and I just though I'd be more established by now.

Well folks, its happening. After 8 years of marriage which included 3 of Husband in law school, followed by 4 of him working like hell to find a job and/or make his solo practice work, followed by the same with the addition of a few adjunct classes for a local college... today he started a new job. And folks, this is no small thing. It's part time, yet still enough that all of a sudden I feel the pressure lifting from my shoulders. No more must I suffer the unexpected burden of breadwinner. No more must I feel trapped in an unsatisfying, horribly stressful, dead-end job. 

Those people who say "I hate musicals! That never happens. No one ever just randomly bursts into song." I feel a little badly for them, they must have never felt pure joy.