For What It's Worth

I know, I know - everyone hates their job, right? We hear this all the time and we shoulder on in these jobs which beat us down, bit by bit until we just can't care anymore - except for one thing: I know better.

When I was a senior in high school, the second semester of the year rather than going to classes, I was required to do two 9 week long internships - of my choice - for class credit. My internships were with Shadowbox Cabaret Theatre in Columbus, OH and The Colorado Springs Fine Arts Center Theatre in (you guessed it) Colorado Springs. They were pure joy. During this time I decided to postpone entering undergrad for a year when I was asked to continue on at Shadowbox. I was working a full-time retail job at the local mall and another 40+ hours a week at the theatre. I was overworked, underpaid, but man, I was happy.

Then I did what we all do. I went to college. I studied theatre and philosophy - so I learned how to observe and mirror human behavior, plus logic - an oxymoron if I ever heard one. I met a very mean man who completely destroyed me, then I met a very nice man who helped me to start to rebuild myself. We fell in love and got married. He started grad school and that logical part of me jumped in and shouted "Well one of us has to make some money!" So, despite the bad economy, despite the knowledge whatever I found wouldn't be in my field, I went job hunting. I took temp jobs, some lovely, some completely demoralizing until finally, one day a company I knew offered me a decent paying job. It wasn't what I wanted even remotely, but I was convinced it would be a stepping stone.

It wasn't. That was 10 years ago and I'm still in that same job I didn't want, except now I've grown to detest the very thought of it. The people are lovely, the work really isn't that bad, but it doesn't interest me - it isn't challenging and there is simply no room for growth - plus we have to work holidays.

So I made a pact, I set a date and marked it on my calendar as "the last day I am willing to be miserable." It's been tough, figuring out what I might enjoy besides theatre, but I'm learning. It's been tough having faith in myself and believing in my potential enough to be able to write a decent cover letter and to believe I am qualified for these positions, but I'm not giving up.

In the last 4 days I have submitted as many applications. I have 8 more on deck (I have to pace myself so I don't rush them and miss details). I am certain that there exists a job which I will enjoy and I will find it.

Finding Balance

I'm not sure why, but it always seems as though everything comes together all at once. Now, it is true I've handled some recent monumental letdowns - but mostly in spite of barely having time to live I've been joyfully accepting, attempting, and opening up about things I spent years, even decades concealing.

I was cast in the one role I desired most this season and I am thoroughly enjoying the discovery, the play, - and the vulnerability in the role.

I started taking yoga, and have consistently taken 1-3 classes per week for several weeks now. I feel great, I have a more positive self-image, and I have been to appreciate and love myself in a way I never thought  could.

I wrote a new play- a short one mind you, but a complete one that I feel good about - and then I showed it to people, Not many people, but a few people I trust. For the first time in the 12 years since I started writing plays, I actually feel like I'm hiding a talent, rather than looking back on something I once thought I could do. It reminds me I once applied for a very prestigious fellowship, and although I was rejected, the rejection letter gave every indication I was seriously considered - and that my writing was intelligent, confident, ambitious in all the best ways and full of enormous promise.

It seems I am facing fears one by one. Fear is a powerful thing, but mostly because it gathers like a storm of doubts and what ifs - when we stand tall and look them straight in the eye, they're just hurdles we can take one at a time. I promise I will continue to take those hurdles, confidently, giving in to the discomfort so I can find the honesty, the humor, the promise, the fullness and the joy.

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, lucky to have been where I have been...

Sometimes these days I take stock and can't quite believe how far I've come in a year. This time last year I was unbearably miserable. I trusted no one. I had no friends, no faith in myself, no sense that I fit in anywhere - and yet I kept trying to squeeze myself into every space I thought I might fit.

Then something happened. I was terribly let down, stabbed in the back by those I had once thought I could trust the most... and that allowed me to see how abusive our relationship had become. I was once again allowing someone to brutalize me emotionally for no good reason - a decade after I had vowed I would never let anyone do that to me again. It was horrible, but it was also freeing. Once I let go of the tears, I could let myself float, and see where I fit. I could make my own choices, be my own person  - but more than anything I could put myself in situations which would challenge me.

Since that time:
I've become closer with my husband.
I've met new friends and become friends with others who were previously just acquaintances.
I've taken roles I didn't want because I knew they would push me, and I have tried my damndest to do them justice.
I've written two scripts.
I've agreed to do nudity onstage, because I love the role so much I think its worth the vulnerability.
I've opened up to people about how I was raped when I was 20.
I've started a new 101 in 1001 and have already accomplished several things on the list.
I finally got the guts to paint my living room the color I wanted to - in spite of what others might think.
I stopped caring what others think so much, and started to become the person I once was back before the first time I allowed someone to abuse me.

I have SO much joy in the last 5 months of my life - I've played melodrama, a crochety grandma, a lesbian desperate for a baby, a poet reunited with the man who could have been the love of her life, and now I'm playing a truly joyful girl who is dying far before her time and yet cares far more about how it will impact the others in her life, oh and up next? I'm gonna share the stage with my husband. Something I haven't done since 1998. It'll be raunchy, but sweet, and I'm looking forward to the experience.

My baby sister and one of my best friends from college - two women who have lived through a world of pain have found truly deserving men and I'm thrilled to put on a pretty frock and stand up there to share in their special days.

Honestly, I'm not sure how one gets so lucky.