For What It's Worth

I know, I know - everyone hates their job, right? We hear this all the time and we shoulder on in these jobs which beat us down, bit by bit until we just can't care anymore - except for one thing: I know better.

When I was a senior in high school, the second semester of the year rather than going to classes, I was required to do two 9 week long internships - of my choice - for class credit. My internships were with Shadowbox Cabaret Theatre in Columbus, OH and The Colorado Springs Fine Arts Center Theatre in (you guessed it) Colorado Springs. They were pure joy. During this time I decided to postpone entering undergrad for a year when I was asked to continue on at Shadowbox. I was working a full-time retail job at the local mall and another 40+ hours a week at the theatre. I was overworked, underpaid, but man, I was happy.

Then I did what we all do. I went to college. I studied theatre and philosophy - so I learned how to observe and mirror human behavior, plus logic - an oxymoron if I ever heard one. I met a very mean man who completely destroyed me, then I met a very nice man who helped me to start to rebuild myself. We fell in love and got married. He started grad school and that logical part of me jumped in and shouted "Well one of us has to make some money!" So, despite the bad economy, despite the knowledge whatever I found wouldn't be in my field, I went job hunting. I took temp jobs, some lovely, some completely demoralizing until finally, one day a company I knew offered me a decent paying job. It wasn't what I wanted even remotely, but I was convinced it would be a stepping stone.

It wasn't. That was 10 years ago and I'm still in that same job I didn't want, except now I've grown to detest the very thought of it. The people are lovely, the work really isn't that bad, but it doesn't interest me - it isn't challenging and there is simply no room for growth - plus we have to work holidays.

So I made a pact, I set a date and marked it on my calendar as "the last day I am willing to be miserable." It's been tough, figuring out what I might enjoy besides theatre, but I'm learning. It's been tough having faith in myself and believing in my potential enough to be able to write a decent cover letter and to believe I am qualified for these positions, but I'm not giving up.

In the last 4 days I have submitted as many applications. I have 8 more on deck (I have to pace myself so I don't rush them and miss details). I am certain that there exists a job which I will enjoy and I will find it.

Finding Balance

I'm not sure why, but it always seems as though everything comes together all at once. Now, it is true I've handled some recent monumental letdowns - but mostly in spite of barely having time to live I've been joyfully accepting, attempting, and opening up about things I spent years, even decades concealing.

I was cast in the one role I desired most this season and I am thoroughly enjoying the discovery, the play, - and the vulnerability in the role.

I started taking yoga, and have consistently taken 1-3 classes per week for several weeks now. I feel great, I have a more positive self-image, and I have been to appreciate and love myself in a way I never thought  could.

I wrote a new play- a short one mind you, but a complete one that I feel good about - and then I showed it to people, Not many people, but a few people I trust. For the first time in the 12 years since I started writing plays, I actually feel like I'm hiding a talent, rather than looking back on something I once thought I could do. It reminds me I once applied for a very prestigious fellowship, and although I was rejected, the rejection letter gave every indication I was seriously considered - and that my writing was intelligent, confident, ambitious in all the best ways and full of enormous promise.

It seems I am facing fears one by one. Fear is a powerful thing, but mostly because it gathers like a storm of doubts and what ifs - when we stand tall and look them straight in the eye, they're just hurdles we can take one at a time. I promise I will continue to take those hurdles, confidently, giving in to the discomfort so I can find the honesty, the humor, the promise, the fullness and the joy.