Pieces of What

I've been looking for a new job for quite a while, and like anyone in that position I've been subjected to the ever-helpful advice from my loving, caring family members ("You should really get a new job!" "Are you looking?" "have you applied for anything?") who seemingly assume that I live on the planet Delusion, where things just magically appear when you want them.

However, one day my mom did say one helpful thing, "You know, when so-and-so from my Card Club (aka monthly booze & gossip gatherings where no actual cards ever appear)'s daughter was looking she used some app on her phone." This had honestly not occurred to me, so I asked which one. Foolish question. My mom has an iphone, but I've tried to teach her about 17 times why it makes more sense to load the Starbucks app onto her phone, but she prefers to carry around a little zipper pouch with all her Starbucks giftcards rather than learn something new.

So, even though my iphone is already cluttered enough since I keep it chock full of as many songs as it can physically handle, I figured it couldn't hurt - and since I didn't know which app, I gave several a try. One of them offered to send me emails with jobs which matched my criteria - great!

...so I thought. It had not occurred to me that this app would not have taken into consideration where I live (or asked if I'd like to remain here), nor had it asked me what level of job I was actually qualified for. As a result, I now get 1-3 emails per days which are all SUPER EXCITED to share with me the jobs which fit my search!! All of which seem to be either for jobs I would NEVER be interested in because said app has mixed up the keywords to mean something from a different industry - or more commonly - ALL of the jobs are manager or director level positions out of various cities and states which are nowhere near me, or more importantly they're nowhere near my husband and his job.

How is it possible there are so many employment apps and yet not one of them seems to treat you like a dating site? Here's my thinking:

• Run a personality quiz on me (so you know what I'm suited for)
• Ask me for a resume or work history - then ask me to rate my job satisfaction for various reasons at each job
• Ask me what cities I would like to work in/near

Drastic, I know, but if it worked for online dating, why can't it work for finding people employment they'd actually enjoy??

For What It's Worth

I know, I know - everyone hates their job, right? We hear this all the time and we shoulder on in these jobs which beat us down, bit by bit until we just can't care anymore - except for one thing: I know better.

When I was a senior in high school, the second semester of the year rather than going to classes, I was required to do two 9 week long internships - of my choice - for class credit. My internships were with Shadowbox Cabaret Theatre in Columbus, OH and The Colorado Springs Fine Arts Center Theatre in (you guessed it) Colorado Springs. They were pure joy. During this time I decided to postpone entering undergrad for a year when I was asked to continue on at Shadowbox. I was working a full-time retail job at the local mall and another 40+ hours a week at the theatre. I was overworked, underpaid, but man, I was happy.

Then I did what we all do. I went to college. I studied theatre and philosophy - so I learned how to observe and mirror human behavior, plus logic - an oxymoron if I ever heard one. I met a very mean man who completely destroyed me, then I met a very nice man who helped me to start to rebuild myself. We fell in love and got married. He started grad school and that logical part of me jumped in and shouted "Well one of us has to make some money!" So, despite the bad economy, despite the knowledge whatever I found wouldn't be in my field, I went job hunting. I took temp jobs, some lovely, some completely demoralizing until finally, one day a company I knew offered me a decent paying job. It wasn't what I wanted even remotely, but I was convinced it would be a stepping stone.

It wasn't. That was 10 years ago and I'm still in that same job I didn't want, except now I've grown to detest the very thought of it. The people are lovely, the work really isn't that bad, but it doesn't interest me - it isn't challenging and there is simply no room for growth - plus we have to work holidays.

So I made a pact, I set a date and marked it on my calendar as "the last day I am willing to be miserable." It's been tough, figuring out what I might enjoy besides theatre, but I'm learning. It's been tough having faith in myself and believing in my potential enough to be able to write a decent cover letter and to believe I am qualified for these positions, but I'm not giving up.

In the last 4 days I have submitted as many applications. I have 8 more on deck (I have to pace myself so I don't rush them and miss details). I am certain that there exists a job which I will enjoy and I will find it.

"Acting represents all that human beings experience, and if you want it to be 'nice' you will never be a serious communicator of the human experience." - Larry Moss

Me: "Acting is fucking brutal. People who think otherwise make me want to punch things."
Friend: "And there you have it.... just agreeing with you."

I've mentioned before my extreme distaste for those who think actors "lazy" or "stupid" since actors are the hardest working people I know. Tonight has just served to remind me how incredibly foolish those people are.

Over the past several weeks I've bee rehearsing a show I loved from the day I read it. I had my heart set on a specific role - in fact it was the only role I cared about being cast in for my company's 2013 season. In the beginning I thought the tough part would be the fact that the part requires partial nudity - something I've never done before, then I thought the hard part would be the fact that she is dying. I was wrong on both counts.

The more I learned the role, the more I mulled over everything about the script, the more I got a feel for all but one short scene - and along the way I found myself losing touch with a different scene which is so pure it almost brought me to tears during my audition. I kept thinking I would find a way back to the honest emotion of that scene - and I would figure the other out, but it didn't happen.

I broke down and voiced my concerns to the director, but tonight somehow it was just too much too bear anymore. My fellow actors were pouring their hearts out and I just knew I was letting them down. "You're FINE" everyone kept telling me as we left the theatre - there are two problems with that, the first being how can you possibly accept that when every cell in your entire being says you're not being present or honest? The second? How is "fine" ever acceptable in the arts? Fine is simply not good enough. If fine is your goal, why are you even trying?

I drove home in such a daze I'm not even sure I was aware of anything but the fear, failure, and loathing welling up in the back of my throat. I wasn't entirely sure where I was going -I wasn't headed home. Finally, I pulled into an empty park.

I reached out to ask advice of two people I trust. I re-watched Patsy Rodenburg's Why I Do Theatre TED Talk video, I googled a million links until finally something struck a chord. Then, one of the two friends responded and her response simply built upon what I'd just figured out. After reading and re-reading the scene I realized... I had gotten so inside my own head I wasn't participating.

That's right - while playing a girl who is dying, but is so caring she is far more hurt by the pain she realizes she is/will be causing her loved ones with her untimely death than she is concerned for herself... I was busy thinking about myself. In short, I was being human and had lost sight of the intention. I felt a broken, worn out fool. It took me 5 hours of intense scrutiny to see something so obvious it could have punched me in the face. But then, perhaps I'm still looking from the wrong perspective. Maybe I needed to be hit in the head, but in the end I did work through it and I'm feeling pretty confident that on Saturday when I have a chance to attempt the scene again this time I'll get it right. With two weeks to go, that doesn't seem like such a bad place to be.

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, lucky to have been where I have been...

Sometimes these days I take stock and can't quite believe how far I've come in a year. This time last year I was unbearably miserable. I trusted no one. I had no friends, no faith in myself, no sense that I fit in anywhere - and yet I kept trying to squeeze myself into every space I thought I might fit.

Then something happened. I was terribly let down, stabbed in the back by those I had once thought I could trust the most... and that allowed me to see how abusive our relationship had become. I was once again allowing someone to brutalize me emotionally for no good reason - a decade after I had vowed I would never let anyone do that to me again. It was horrible, but it was also freeing. Once I let go of the tears, I could let myself float, and see where I fit. I could make my own choices, be my own person  - but more than anything I could put myself in situations which would challenge me.

Since that time:
I've become closer with my husband.
I've met new friends and become friends with others who were previously just acquaintances.
I've taken roles I didn't want because I knew they would push me, and I have tried my damndest to do them justice.
I've written two scripts.
I've agreed to do nudity onstage, because I love the role so much I think its worth the vulnerability.
I've opened up to people about how I was raped when I was 20.
I've started a new 101 in 1001 and have already accomplished several things on the list.
I finally got the guts to paint my living room the color I wanted to - in spite of what others might think.
I stopped caring what others think so much, and started to become the person I once was back before the first time I allowed someone to abuse me.

I have SO much joy in the last 5 months of my life - I've played melodrama, a crochety grandma, a lesbian desperate for a baby, a poet reunited with the man who could have been the love of her life, and now I'm playing a truly joyful girl who is dying far before her time and yet cares far more about how it will impact the others in her life, oh and up next? I'm gonna share the stage with my husband. Something I haven't done since 1998. It'll be raunchy, but sweet, and I'm looking forward to the experience.

My baby sister and one of my best friends from college - two women who have lived through a world of pain have found truly deserving men and I'm thrilled to put on a pretty frock and stand up there to share in their special days.

Honestly, I'm not sure how one gets so lucky.