God Only Knows

A year a half ago I almost lost my father. Those are horrible words to think, and harder still to type.

Growing up I revered my daddy. He was spectacular. He made me laugh, he terrified me, he taught French, to be polite, to respect adults, to appreciate fine food and drink and ohh did he teach me music. For as long as I can remember my father loved his music more than anything and he would at length to my sisters and I about it, whether we cared or not.

Then one day he felt ill and went to bed. The next day was the same. This went on for a week until as a family (without him and his stubbornness) a decision was made. My youngest sister would get someone to cover her morning classes and she would take him to the doctor - but when she arrived at my parents house she knew something wasn't right. His speech was slurred, he was acting as though he was asleep... she was worried and used her sometimes overly forceful personality to badger the doctor in to telling her that yes, she should probably take him to an Emergency Room.

It was congestive heart failure. That was Monday. On Wednesday (my mom's birthday) they did a cath and found he had 80% blockage. The left side of his heart was permanently closed. He'd likely had several heart attacks over time, and that he needed emergency bypass. The surgeon told us after speaking with him, that before he'd spoken with my dad he was not prepared to offer him a surgery. Those words hit me square in the chest like a brick of ice and lodged there.

After a very long and very risky, quadruple bypass he made it through. For the next month we walked around on eggshells, worried anything we did might be the wrong thing, Then we hit the six month mark, then the year, and in just a few days will be 18 months.

Even now, I can't think about these facts without weeping. The fact is not lost on me that his lifespan is almost certainly dramatically less than it would have been and I can't imagine my life without him. As kids we think when we grow up we won't need our parents, but I'm 34 and knowing people who don't have a good connection with their parents, I'm eternally thankful that I still do.

So here's the start of what I'm sure will be a ridiculously long list.

Thank you dad, for:

• Teaching me to parrot french phrases at you in your closet.
• Brushing my hair - even when you made me cry.
•  Teaching me to love Bach, The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Rocky Horror, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, Jazz, Motown - in short, for giving me what people have described time and time again as one of the most eclectic music tastes they've ever seen. 
•  Showing me the many splendors of Vermont, even if it was never your goal to inspire an itch in me to live there one day.
• Laughing with me on my wedding day.
• Cherishing mom the way she deserves.
• Listening deeply and intentionally to me even when you don't agree with me.
• Taking me on my college visits.
• Giving me the opportunity to hike on a glacier
• Always being the man I wanted more than anything to impress.
• Being a fighter and still being here with us.

Wouldn't It Be Nice

As I was cleaning up today, I found a Jo-Ann's coupon for 50% off yarn. Something inside me squealed with joy at the thought of all the possibilities of things I could start while on vacation at the lake next week. I set it aside, thinking I would decide later.

Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning, all I could think was "you can't start a new project! You've barely started the last one!" "But, but, but... it's big... and scary..." I sputtered at myself. "Well, maybe just a small one, a Christmas gift?" But I knew I was right. Back in December I began a somewhat complex tree skirt which was to be either a wedding gift or a shower gift for my sister and her husband. In May, at her shower, I gave her a small gift with a note explaining her real gift was the tree skirt which was not finished. I told myself I would at the least get it done so she could use it for their first Christmas together.

I started it with the best intentions, but the pattern was a little confusing and I couldn't work on it in front of her - and then I got cast as the title character in a show, then I was cast in another show, and another, and another pretty much back to back. I'm not complaining, this past 8 months I have been an incredibly lucky actor - but every time I look at the tote bag in the back of my car with all that yarn... I just can't bring myself to take it up again.

So, tempting as it is, staring longingly at all the pretty yarn on that coupon, it seems my work is already laid out for me. I just need to get crackin'.

Pieces of What

I've been looking for a new job for quite a while, and like anyone in that position I've been subjected to the ever-helpful advice from my loving, caring family members ("You should really get a new job!" "Are you looking?" "have you applied for anything?") who seemingly assume that I live on the planet Delusion, where things just magically appear when you want them.

However, one day my mom did say one helpful thing, "You know, when so-and-so from my Card Club (aka monthly booze & gossip gatherings where no actual cards ever appear)'s daughter was looking she used some app on her phone." This had honestly not occurred to me, so I asked which one. Foolish question. My mom has an iphone, but I've tried to teach her about 17 times why it makes more sense to load the Starbucks app onto her phone, but she prefers to carry around a little zipper pouch with all her Starbucks giftcards rather than learn something new.

So, even though my iphone is already cluttered enough since I keep it chock full of as many songs as it can physically handle, I figured it couldn't hurt - and since I didn't know which app, I gave several a try. One of them offered to send me emails with jobs which matched my criteria - great!

...so I thought. It had not occurred to me that this app would not have taken into consideration where I live (or asked if I'd like to remain here), nor had it asked me what level of job I was actually qualified for. As a result, I now get 1-3 emails per days which are all SUPER EXCITED to share with me the jobs which fit my search!! All of which seem to be either for jobs I would NEVER be interested in because said app has mixed up the keywords to mean something from a different industry - or more commonly - ALL of the jobs are manager or director level positions out of various cities and states which are nowhere near me, or more importantly they're nowhere near my husband and his job.

How is it possible there are so many employment apps and yet not one of them seems to treat you like a dating site? Here's my thinking:

• Run a personality quiz on me (so you know what I'm suited for)
• Ask me for a resume or work history - then ask me to rate my job satisfaction for various reasons at each job
• Ask me what cities I would like to work in/near

Drastic, I know, but if it worked for online dating, why can't it work for finding people employment they'd actually enjoy??

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, lucky to have been where I have been...

Sometimes these days I take stock and can't quite believe how far I've come in a year. This time last year I was unbearably miserable. I trusted no one. I had no friends, no faith in myself, no sense that I fit in anywhere - and yet I kept trying to squeeze myself into every space I thought I might fit.

Then something happened. I was terribly let down, stabbed in the back by those I had once thought I could trust the most... and that allowed me to see how abusive our relationship had become. I was once again allowing someone to brutalize me emotionally for no good reason - a decade after I had vowed I would never let anyone do that to me again. It was horrible, but it was also freeing. Once I let go of the tears, I could let myself float, and see where I fit. I could make my own choices, be my own person  - but more than anything I could put myself in situations which would challenge me.

Since that time:
I've become closer with my husband.
I've met new friends and become friends with others who were previously just acquaintances.
I've taken roles I didn't want because I knew they would push me, and I have tried my damndest to do them justice.
I've written two scripts.
I've agreed to do nudity onstage, because I love the role so much I think its worth the vulnerability.
I've opened up to people about how I was raped when I was 20.
I've started a new 101 in 1001 and have already accomplished several things on the list.
I finally got the guts to paint my living room the color I wanted to - in spite of what others might think.
I stopped caring what others think so much, and started to become the person I once was back before the first time I allowed someone to abuse me.

I have SO much joy in the last 5 months of my life - I've played melodrama, a crochety grandma, a lesbian desperate for a baby, a poet reunited with the man who could have been the love of her life, and now I'm playing a truly joyful girl who is dying far before her time and yet cares far more about how it will impact the others in her life, oh and up next? I'm gonna share the stage with my husband. Something I haven't done since 1998. It'll be raunchy, but sweet, and I'm looking forward to the experience.

My baby sister and one of my best friends from college - two women who have lived through a world of pain have found truly deserving men and I'm thrilled to put on a pretty frock and stand up there to share in their special days.

Honestly, I'm not sure how one gets so lucky.