Being an actor is tough - anyone who has ever faced the emotional roller coaster of auditioning can attest to this. It seems everyone has heard that actors should "get used to rejection", and its true, you do learn to live with the potential that you will not get all the roles you want. Sadly, this makes a rejection streak somewhat jarring when coming off of a ""pinch-me-could-I-possibly-be-this-lucky" streak. Hello, depression.
My friends, trying their best to be helpful (when honestly they're probably thinking what a jerk I am for not being satisfied with the roles I've already portrayed in 2013) suggested I had been working non-stop for so long perhaps I needed the break. Nonsense! I huffed, I get depressed when I'm not onstage - which is absolutely true.
But there are always things we don't see coming. Several months ago, I was asked to be a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding in July and the Matron of Honor in a college buddy's wedding in October. I was terrifically excited for a couple weeks, and then I promptly derailed into my incessant worries about being "the fat bridesmaid". This worry coupled with a convenient groupon forced me to face my anxiety/fear and take a yoga class. Once I'd used the value of my groupon I was hooked. I kept taking tougher and longer classes as often as possible. Given my heavy rehearsal schedule, this was difficult, but I made the time. Eventually thought, my theatre schedule and my yoga schedule because un-workable.
Undeterred, I signed up for a yoga channel on my Roku and began practicing at home... however, by this time I had lost a fair amount of the balance and strength I had gained over those months. I was thinking it was okay, and I was still feeling like I was much more toned than I had been - although it concerned me that on my monthly doctor visits I seemed to weigh more than I felt I ought.
...then my sister's wedding photos came in. They are stunning, the photographer did an amazing job, but I am without a doubt "the fat bridesmaid". Staring at those photos, I considered my new-found free time, the Husband's recent decision to start walking on his lunches at work, and the fact that our 3 year old Australian Cattle dog had picked up a little extra pudge around his hips. I decided we would walk as a family (the 10 year old cat would not be forced along as I once tried to walk a cat and it was a wildly unsuccessful endeavor which resulted in my sister and I dragging a large, very fluffy blue cream calico by a leash down the sidewalk - thank goodness for all the fur or the sidewalk would have done a number on her side!) I ran the plan past the Husband and he agreed. We would walk on the bike path down by the river every night, unless it was dark or raining. I was allowed to run ahead if I wanted to and he was allowed to bring his swanky new camera if he wanted. That was last week. Last week we walked on Monday, had a meeting on Tuesday and then we got lazy. Over the weekend I stepped in a hornet's nest and while attempting to strip my hornet-laden clothes to get into the shower, I stepped on one, it promptly stung me, causing me to scream, jump, roll my ankle and fall... No running on Saturday, Sunday, or Monday.
Today, I felt better. I convinced the Husband we needed to get moving and we'd both feel better. He relented. I planned to walk, but immediately found myself - just as the week before - interval training. It seemed I wanted to be able to run again. I was proud. Last week I ran 3 miles in 43 minutes, with an average pace of 14:18. Tonight I ran 3.40 miles in 46 minutes, with an average pace of 13:37! Not bad improvement. I was so pleased, I decided to set a goal. I plugged in my weight and told my app I would like to lose 15 lbs by the day of my friend's wedding. The app told me this was a tough goal - nothing I didn't already know... then I got home and actually weighed myself and found I actually weighed 8lbs more than I thought.
Suddenly, I'm so thrilled for this spare time I plan on running tomorrow sunshine or torrential downpour. Also, despite the late hour, I'll be prying myself out of bed super early tomorrow so I can do some yoga before my morning shower. With any luck I'll at least weigh what I thought I weighed before when I slip on that espresso satin sheath in October.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
California Girls
Alright, so I'm not in California (sadly, I've never been to the purportedly idyllic state), but I sort of feel like it! After months and months of non-stop work, acting, and event planning that I've been beyond burned out. So, while I miss my Internet access, acting, and yoga I'm just tickled to be manning a hot pink beach towel with my Ray Bans and a biography of Zelda Fitzgerald on my kindle for company.
I have another day and a half to while away lazily with family before theatrical obligations call me back home. If I catch a another brief period with strong cell or Internet service then perhaps I'll be able to check in again - if not I'll catch you when I'm back to the land of laundry and work.
I have another day and a half to while away lazily with family before theatrical obligations call me back home. If I catch a another brief period with strong cell or Internet service then perhaps I'll be able to check in again - if not I'll catch you when I'm back to the land of laundry and work.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
God Only Knows
A year a half ago I almost lost my father. Those are horrible words to think, and harder still to type.
Growing up I revered my daddy. He was spectacular. He made me laugh, he terrified me, he taught French, to be polite, to respect adults, to appreciate fine food and drink and ohh did he teach me music. For as long as I can remember my father loved his music more than anything and he would at length to my sisters and I about it, whether we cared or not.
Then one day he felt ill and went to bed. The next day was the same. This went on for a week until as a family (without him and his stubbornness) a decision was made. My youngest sister would get someone to cover her morning classes and she would take him to the doctor - but when she arrived at my parents house she knew something wasn't right. His speech was slurred, he was acting as though he was asleep... she was worried and used her sometimes overly forceful personality to badger the doctor in to telling her that yes, she should probably take him to an Emergency Room.
It was congestive heart failure. That was Monday. On Wednesday (my mom's birthday) they did a cath and found he had 80% blockage. The left side of his heart was permanently closed. He'd likely had several heart attacks over time, and that he needed emergency bypass. The surgeon told us after speaking with him, that before he'd spoken with my dad he was not prepared to offer him a surgery. Those words hit me square in the chest like a brick of ice and lodged there.
After a very long and very risky, quadruple bypass he made it through. For the next month we walked around on eggshells, worried anything we did might be the wrong thing, Then we hit the six month mark, then the year, and in just a few days will be 18 months.
Even now, I can't think about these facts without weeping. The fact is not lost on me that his lifespan is almost certainly dramatically less than it would have been and I can't imagine my life without him. As kids we think when we grow up we won't need our parents, but I'm 34 and knowing people who don't have a good connection with their parents, I'm eternally thankful that I still do.
So here's the start of what I'm sure will be a ridiculously long list.
Thank you dad, for:
Growing up I revered my daddy. He was spectacular. He made me laugh, he terrified me, he taught French, to be polite, to respect adults, to appreciate fine food and drink and ohh did he teach me music. For as long as I can remember my father loved his music more than anything and he would at length to my sisters and I about it, whether we cared or not.
Then one day he felt ill and went to bed. The next day was the same. This went on for a week until as a family (without him and his stubbornness) a decision was made. My youngest sister would get someone to cover her morning classes and she would take him to the doctor - but when she arrived at my parents house she knew something wasn't right. His speech was slurred, he was acting as though he was asleep... she was worried and used her sometimes overly forceful personality to badger the doctor in to telling her that yes, she should probably take him to an Emergency Room.
It was congestive heart failure. That was Monday. On Wednesday (my mom's birthday) they did a cath and found he had 80% blockage. The left side of his heart was permanently closed. He'd likely had several heart attacks over time, and that he needed emergency bypass. The surgeon told us after speaking with him, that before he'd spoken with my dad he was not prepared to offer him a surgery. Those words hit me square in the chest like a brick of ice and lodged there.
After a very long and very risky, quadruple bypass he made it through. For the next month we walked around on eggshells, worried anything we did might be the wrong thing, Then we hit the six month mark, then the year, and in just a few days will be 18 months.
Even now, I can't think about these facts without weeping. The fact is not lost on me that his lifespan is almost certainly dramatically less than it would have been and I can't imagine my life without him. As kids we think when we grow up we won't need our parents, but I'm 34 and knowing people who don't have a good connection with their parents, I'm eternally thankful that I still do.
So here's the start of what I'm sure will be a ridiculously long list.
Thank you dad, for:
- Teaching me to parrot french phrases at you in your closet.
- Brushing my hair - even when you made me cry.
- Teaching me to love Bach, The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Rocky Horror, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, Jazz, Motown - in short, for giving me what people have described time and time again as one of the most eclectic music tastes they've ever seen.
- Showing me the many splendors of Vermont, even if it was never your goal to inspire an itch in me to live there one day.
- Laughing with me on my wedding day.
- Cherishing mom the way she deserves.
- Listening deeply and intentionally to me even when you don't agree with me.
- Taking me on my college visits.
- Giving me the opportunity to hike on a glacier
- Always being the man I wanted more than anything to impress.
- Being a fighter and still being here with us.
Wouldn't It Be Nice
As I was cleaning up today, I found a Jo-Ann's coupon for 50% off yarn. Something inside me squealed with joy at the thought of all the possibilities of things I could start while on vacation at the lake next week. I set it aside, thinking I would decide later.
Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning, all I could think was "you can't start a new project! You've barely started the last one!" "But, but, but... it's big... and scary..." I sputtered at myself. "Well, maybe just a small one, a Christmas gift?" But I knew I was right. Back in December I began a somewhat complex tree skirt which was to be either a wedding gift or a shower gift for my sister and her husband. In May, at her shower, I gave her a small gift with a note explaining her real gift was the tree skirt which was not finished. I told myself I would at the least get it done so she could use it for their first Christmas together.
I started it with the best intentions, but the pattern was a little confusing and I couldn't work on it in front of her - and then I got cast as the title character in a show, then I was cast in another show, and another, and another pretty much back to back. I'm not complaining, this past 8 months I have been an incredibly lucky actor - but every time I look at the tote bag in the back of my car with all that yarn... I just can't bring myself to take it up again.
So, tempting as it is, staring longingly at all the pretty yarn on that coupon, it seems my work is already laid out for me. I just need to get crackin'.
Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning, all I could think was "you can't start a new project! You've barely started the last one!" "But, but, but... it's big... and scary..." I sputtered at myself. "Well, maybe just a small one, a Christmas gift?" But I knew I was right. Back in December I began a somewhat complex tree skirt which was to be either a wedding gift or a shower gift for my sister and her husband. In May, at her shower, I gave her a small gift with a note explaining her real gift was the tree skirt which was not finished. I told myself I would at the least get it done so she could use it for their first Christmas together.
I started it with the best intentions, but the pattern was a little confusing and I couldn't work on it in front of her - and then I got cast as the title character in a show, then I was cast in another show, and another, and another pretty much back to back. I'm not complaining, this past 8 months I have been an incredibly lucky actor - but every time I look at the tote bag in the back of my car with all that yarn... I just can't bring myself to take it up again.
So, tempting as it is, staring longingly at all the pretty yarn on that coupon, it seems my work is already laid out for me. I just need to get crackin'.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Pieces of What
I've been looking for a new job for quite a while, and like anyone in that position I've been subjected to the ever-helpful advice from my loving, caring family members ("You should really get a new job!" "Are you looking?" "have you applied for anything?") who seemingly assume that I live on the planet Delusion, where things just magically appear when you want them.
However, one day my mom did say one helpful thing, "You know, when so-and-so from my Card Club (aka monthly booze & gossip gatherings where no actual cards ever appear)'s daughter was looking she used some app on her phone." This had honestly not occurred to me, so I asked which one. Foolish question. My mom has an iphone, but I've tried to teach her about 17 times why it makes more sense to load the Starbucks app onto her phone, but she prefers to carry around a little zipper pouch with all her Starbucks giftcards rather than learn something new.
So, even though my iphone is already cluttered enough since I keep it chock full of as many songs as it can physically handle, I figured it couldn't hurt - and since I didn't know which app, I gave several a try. One of them offered to send me emails with jobs which matched my criteria - great!
...so I thought. It had not occurred to me that this app would not have taken into consideration where I live (or asked if I'd like to remain here), nor had it asked me what level of job I was actually qualified for. As a result, I now get 1-3 emails per days which are all SUPER EXCITED to share with me the jobs which fit my search!! All of which seem to be either for jobs I would NEVER be interested in because said app has mixed up the keywords to mean something from a different industry - or more commonly - ALL of the jobs are manager or director level positions out of various cities and states which are nowhere near me, or more importantly they're nowhere near my husband and his job.
How is it possible there are so many employment apps and yet not one of them seems to treat you like a dating site? Here's my thinking:
However, one day my mom did say one helpful thing, "You know, when so-and-so from my Card Club (aka monthly booze & gossip gatherings where no actual cards ever appear)'s daughter was looking she used some app on her phone." This had honestly not occurred to me, so I asked which one. Foolish question. My mom has an iphone, but I've tried to teach her about 17 times why it makes more sense to load the Starbucks app onto her phone, but she prefers to carry around a little zipper pouch with all her Starbucks giftcards rather than learn something new.
So, even though my iphone is already cluttered enough since I keep it chock full of as many songs as it can physically handle, I figured it couldn't hurt - and since I didn't know which app, I gave several a try. One of them offered to send me emails with jobs which matched my criteria - great!
...so I thought. It had not occurred to me that this app would not have taken into consideration where I live (or asked if I'd like to remain here), nor had it asked me what level of job I was actually qualified for. As a result, I now get 1-3 emails per days which are all SUPER EXCITED to share with me the jobs which fit my search!! All of which seem to be either for jobs I would NEVER be interested in because said app has mixed up the keywords to mean something from a different industry - or more commonly - ALL of the jobs are manager or director level positions out of various cities and states which are nowhere near me, or more importantly they're nowhere near my husband and his job.
How is it possible there are so many employment apps and yet not one of them seems to treat you like a dating site? Here's my thinking:
- Run a personality quiz on me (so you know what I'm suited for)
- Ask me for a resume or work history - then ask me to rate my job satisfaction for various reasons at each job
- Ask me what cities I would like to work in/near
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
For What It's Worth
I know, I know - everyone hates their job, right? We hear this all the time and we shoulder on in these jobs which beat us down, bit by bit until we just can't care anymore - except for one thing: I know better.
When I was a senior in high school, the second semester of the year rather than going to classes, I was required to do two 9 week long internships - of my choice - for class credit. My internships were with Shadowbox Cabaret Theatre in Columbus, OH and The Colorado Springs Fine Arts Center Theatre in (you guessed it) Colorado Springs. They were pure joy. During this time I decided to postpone entering undergrad for a year when I was asked to continue on at Shadowbox. I was working a full-time retail job at the local mall and another 40+ hours a week at the theatre. I was overworked, underpaid, but man, I was happy.
Then I did what we all do. I went to college. I studied theatre and philosophy - so I learned how to observe and mirror human behavior, plus logic - an oxymoron if I ever heard one. I met a very mean man who completely destroyed me, then I met a very nice man who helped me to start to rebuild myself. We fell in love and got married. He started grad school and that logical part of me jumped in and shouted "Well one of us has to make some money!" So, despite the bad economy, despite the knowledge whatever I found wouldn't be in my field, I went job hunting. I took temp jobs, some lovely, some completely demoralizing until finally, one day a company I knew offered me a decent paying job. It wasn't what I wanted even remotely, but I was convinced it would be a stepping stone.
It wasn't. That was 10 years ago and I'm still in that same job I didn't want, except now I've grown to detest the very thought of it. The people are lovely, the work really isn't that bad, but it doesn't interest me - it isn't challenging and there is simply no room for growth - plus we have to work holidays.
So I made a pact, I set a date and marked it on my calendar as "the last day I am willing to be miserable." It's been tough, figuring out what I might enjoy besides theatre, but I'm learning. It's been tough having faith in myself and believing in my potential enough to be able to write a decent cover letter and to believe I am qualified for these positions, but I'm not giving up.
In the last 4 days I have submitted as many applications. I have 8 more on deck (I have to pace myself so I don't rush them and miss details). I am certain that there exists a job which I will enjoy and I will find it.
When I was a senior in high school, the second semester of the year rather than going to classes, I was required to do two 9 week long internships - of my choice - for class credit. My internships were with Shadowbox Cabaret Theatre in Columbus, OH and The Colorado Springs Fine Arts Center Theatre in (you guessed it) Colorado Springs. They were pure joy. During this time I decided to postpone entering undergrad for a year when I was asked to continue on at Shadowbox. I was working a full-time retail job at the local mall and another 40+ hours a week at the theatre. I was overworked, underpaid, but man, I was happy.
Then I did what we all do. I went to college. I studied theatre and philosophy - so I learned how to observe and mirror human behavior, plus logic - an oxymoron if I ever heard one. I met a very mean man who completely destroyed me, then I met a very nice man who helped me to start to rebuild myself. We fell in love and got married. He started grad school and that logical part of me jumped in and shouted "Well one of us has to make some money!" So, despite the bad economy, despite the knowledge whatever I found wouldn't be in my field, I went job hunting. I took temp jobs, some lovely, some completely demoralizing until finally, one day a company I knew offered me a decent paying job. It wasn't what I wanted even remotely, but I was convinced it would be a stepping stone.
It wasn't. That was 10 years ago and I'm still in that same job I didn't want, except now I've grown to detest the very thought of it. The people are lovely, the work really isn't that bad, but it doesn't interest me - it isn't challenging and there is simply no room for growth - plus we have to work holidays.
So I made a pact, I set a date and marked it on my calendar as "the last day I am willing to be miserable." It's been tough, figuring out what I might enjoy besides theatre, but I'm learning. It's been tough having faith in myself and believing in my potential enough to be able to write a decent cover letter and to believe I am qualified for these positions, but I'm not giving up.
In the last 4 days I have submitted as many applications. I have 8 more on deck (I have to pace myself so I don't rush them and miss details). I am certain that there exists a job which I will enjoy and I will find it.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Everybody's free to feel good
Tomorrow marks two momentous occasions: my first yoga practice in over six weeks and my first MadLab Christmas.
I was terrified to take on this Roulette role. I never thought I would be able to allow myself to be gutsy enough to pantomime having sex onstage. The idea scared the shit out of me, but I couldn't see a reason not to take on the challenge. It was a tough rehearsal process, opening up, exposing myself in such a way... but I kept at it and I like to think I found my stride. But the best bit has been acting with my husband. This play, the intimacy, the honesty - it has opened up our relationship in little ways I would have thought weren't possible after almost nine years of marriage. I am unbelievably grateful.
Just a mere year ago, I was an incredibly unhappy person. Unfulfilled, frustrated, over-worked, under-appreciated, and my talents as an actress were simply not being utilized. I felt I was not valued anywhere and that no one truly appreciated me. Now, I'm overwhelmed by the roles being offered to me - the opportunities to stretch myself and grow I had been longing for. My marriage is happier, my friends are true.
I missed 6 weeks of yoga due to unfortunate, unforeseen circumstances. I don't regret my choices, but I regret the impact missing practice for so long has had on my body. Admittedly, I'm pretty scared to go tomorrow - I'd hoped to have some moral support, but perhaps it's better this way. Yoga is about inner strength, sometimes it's a good thing to take something on by yourself.
I was terrified to take on this Roulette role. I never thought I would be able to allow myself to be gutsy enough to pantomime having sex onstage. The idea scared the shit out of me, but I couldn't see a reason not to take on the challenge. It was a tough rehearsal process, opening up, exposing myself in such a way... but I kept at it and I like to think I found my stride. But the best bit has been acting with my husband. This play, the intimacy, the honesty - it has opened up our relationship in little ways I would have thought weren't possible after almost nine years of marriage. I am unbelievably grateful.
Just a mere year ago, I was an incredibly unhappy person. Unfulfilled, frustrated, over-worked, under-appreciated, and my talents as an actress were simply not being utilized. I felt I was not valued anywhere and that no one truly appreciated me. Now, I'm overwhelmed by the roles being offered to me - the opportunities to stretch myself and grow I had been longing for. My marriage is happier, my friends are true.
I missed 6 weeks of yoga due to unfortunate, unforeseen circumstances. I don't regret my choices, but I regret the impact missing practice for so long has had on my body. Admittedly, I'm pretty scared to go tomorrow - I'd hoped to have some moral support, but perhaps it's better this way. Yoga is about inner strength, sometimes it's a good thing to take something on by yourself.
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