You will look for me, and I'll be gone

On a couple of occasions I have been in the final relaxation pose of a particularly grueling yoga class and sudden found myself almost in tears for various reasons. Last time it happened it was a joyful recognition of all the wonderful people and opportunities I have in my life. Tonight was very different. 

Lying there in savasana, completely relaxed, suddenly moments from She's Dead floated into my all - all of the most painful moments: Judy yelling at Erin about her funeral plan on Christmas, Sam saying his love for her will live on until the heart of the ocean drowns, Judy saying "Goodbye my sweet baby."  It didn't quite bring me to tears, but it was very overwhelming. 

As I packed up and left the studio, I was calm. I wondered why that had come to me like that. Then as I turned on the car and plugged in my iphone, the shuffle, brought up the last song of the show. The song which began as Erin was covered with a sheet and carried out by her loved ones. That was too much. I sobbed, alone in the car - feeling as though all the tears which I couldn't let myself crying during performances (since corpses don't cry!) were suddenly forcing themselves to the surface.

I don't get post-show depression, I just get depressed when I'm not acting and fortunately I have two roles on deck right now. There are some shows I miss longer than others, and this may very well be one that takes a bit to get over, but I have never physically grieved for a show before. It was unnerving and surreal.

No day but today

Since my first theatrical production at 13 I've hated the end of a run. There's something slightly devastating about letting go of this person - these people who have become so much a part of you, even if it's just been a few short months. It's been 20 years since that first audition and I have learned to let go, but I wouldn't say that it has ever become easy for me, although some shows are harder than others.

Tonight I will say goodbye to Erin. A character I knew I wanted to play when I first read the script almost year ago, one I was thrilled to be cast in, and one I have fully enjoyed portraying. Erin is endearing, funny, joyful, and so very caring - and the cast is one I'm lucky to have had the pleasure to work with. So despite my intense excitement at the two roles I am just beginning to rehearse, I'm already finding myself sad to see Erin go.

I hope the new people I have met will keep in contact, but as Erin's boyfriend says, "I don't know. I really don't know what's going to happen." So instead of focusing on the voice in my head reminding me that after tonight the next time I walk into the theatre we will have already moved on to our next production - there will be no Titantic, no deathbed, no thermostat, no front door, or fabulous painted floor, I'm trying to focus on today. Tonight, there will be nothing but joy.

Erin wouldn't want a tearful goodbye.

Little Things

Five years ago when I began readings play submissions I was surprised to find how many writers don’t follow standard formatting. Being a playwright myself and having studied the craft in school, I guess initially I assumed everyone who would submit a script to a theatre would know the basics. 

I should point out that I adore playwrights and I truly find joy in discovering new works worth producing. When I find those scripts, I don't just fight for them at my theatre - I keep fighting for them. I directed a play 2-3 years ago which I still tell everyone I can about to try to get others to produce it. When I was a Literary Manager my absolute favorite though, was establishing a relationship with the playwrights whose plays we produced - and I still love this. In fact tomorrow I'll be meeting the playwright of the play I'm currently acting in and I'm so giddy with delight I can't sleep.

 Our theatre receives hundreds of plays every year. It takes a heck of a lot of manpower just to read them all. So at my day job, I spend my lunch breaks reading submissions. Today, I picked up a play which began with an utter nonsense synopsis. I was discussing it with a friend who is also a playwright, she casually mentioned that someone should write down all these little nuisances for aspiring playwrights. So here goes – this is what I’ve learned:

•   For the love of God, please use page numbers. I don’t care where they are, just use them. Without them you make the job of any Director, Stage Manager, Actor, etc. trying to use your play far more difficult.
• Consider that people will be walking around reading your script – in other words, the spacing should not be formatted like a term paper. Give your words some breathing room. 
• FONT – don’t use anything smaller than 11pt, or anything bigger than 14pt. Use a simple, standard font. The person reading an electronic copy may not have the wonky font you think is “cool”. If your font is too fussy, I’ll think you’re trying to compensate for something lacking in the story and the actors won’t be able to read it as readily.
• The Title page (YES you NEED to have one) should include: the title, perhaps the type of play (drama, comedy, etc.) and how many acts, your name, your email, your physical address, possibly your phone number – nothing more, nothing less. 
•  The Cast of Characters (YES you NEED to have one) should list all characters, their age range, gender, race (if a specific race is required), and if necessary a BRIEF description of each.  This page helps theatres understand how many actors will be required and if your play will fit with their talent pool. 
•  Synopsis – Include one or don’t, but please keep it brief. No more than half a page max.
• If possible, when submitting a play go to the theatre’s website. Get a feel for what they produce, there’s no point in submitting a musical to a theatre that doesn’t produce musicals (or vice versa).
• When writing your characters consider casting. Is it really necessary to refer to a character specifically as tall, blonde, fat, busty, etc.? If it’s not important to the story don’t include these details because they will limit who the theatre can cast and in some cases may make your work more difficult to produce.
• Likewise, consider actions – requiring a character to change clothing in 1-2 pages can be very difficult, requiring a change in less time, practically impossible. Requiring a character to change hair or makeup is even more difficult. If something must be damaged, cut or destroyed will it be costly or difficult to accomplish this night after night?
• Children and teens are hard to find and take more effort to direct. They can be a deterrent to electing to produce a script.
• What scenic changes do you require? If you require only one set, that’s an asset for any theatre! Mention it on the same page as your Cast of Characters. If you require lots of changes, recognize you may be limiting which theatres have the resources to produce your work.
• Consider how an audience will perceive actions performed, for example: audiences can be scared by knives, so don’t use them if your intention is not to display erratic or dangerous behavior.
• When in doubt, trust your audience. They are intelligent. Don’t talk down to them or you’ll lose them.
• Do your research. If your play requires a character to speak to high-level math, science or in general to be an expert, make sure you understand what they’re saying and that they in fact sound like an expert. Otherwise you run the risk of having an actual expert in that field come to your show and hate it because of its inaccuracies. It happens more than you’d think.
• PROOFREAD. Then proofread it again. If possible, have someone else check it for errors too.  A spelling error can cause confusion, as can a missing or extra word, or other inaccuracies.
• If you must include nudity or sex (especially rape or incest) make sure it’s truly necessary to the story. 
• Don’t include more stage directions than necessary.
• Unless it is important to the story do not do the job of the scenic designer, casting director, director, or costume designer for them.  The less specific you are, the more creativity you will be able to inspire to make each production different and exciting.
•   Do not use a song you do not have permission to use - in fact do not use any copyrighted material without being certain you have permission to use it or the theatre will not legally be able to produce your play. (Think about it - would you want some random person quoting your play in a production without permission?)
• Just as with casting, consider any props or set pieces you describe in the dialogue. Unless, it is truly pertinent to the story, don’t describe that radio as being mint green since the theatre will then be forced to locate (or make) an item to meet your exact specifications.
• Get your audience's attention quickly. You only have a few pages to grab them, you don't have to make them ridiculously dramatic, just make sure something is happening to keep them interested in seeing what will unfold.

Remember that those theatres who perform new works receive an obscene amount of scripts every year. Yours should stand out because of the story and the characters, not the flaws.

"Acting represents all that human beings experience, and if you want it to be 'nice' you will never be a serious communicator of the human experience." - Larry Moss

Me: "Acting is fucking brutal. People who think otherwise make me want to punch things."
Friend: "And there you have it.... just agreeing with you."

I've mentioned before my extreme distaste for those who think actors "lazy" or "stupid" since actors are the hardest working people I know. Tonight has just served to remind me how incredibly foolish those people are.

Over the past several weeks I've bee rehearsing a show I loved from the day I read it. I had my heart set on a specific role - in fact it was the only role I cared about being cast in for my company's 2013 season. In the beginning I thought the tough part would be the fact that the part requires partial nudity - something I've never done before, then I thought the hard part would be the fact that she is dying. I was wrong on both counts.

The more I learned the role, the more I mulled over everything about the script, the more I got a feel for all but one short scene - and along the way I found myself losing touch with a different scene which is so pure it almost brought me to tears during my audition. I kept thinking I would find a way back to the honest emotion of that scene - and I would figure the other out, but it didn't happen.

I broke down and voiced my concerns to the director, but tonight somehow it was just too much too bear anymore. My fellow actors were pouring their hearts out and I just knew I was letting them down. "You're FINE" everyone kept telling me as we left the theatre - there are two problems with that, the first being how can you possibly accept that when every cell in your entire being says you're not being present or honest? The second? How is "fine" ever acceptable in the arts? Fine is simply not good enough. If fine is your goal, why are you even trying?

I drove home in such a daze I'm not even sure I was aware of anything but the fear, failure, and loathing welling up in the back of my throat. I wasn't entirely sure where I was going -I wasn't headed home. Finally, I pulled into an empty park.

I reached out to ask advice of two people I trust. I re-watched Patsy Rodenburg's Why I Do Theatre TED Talk video, I googled a million links until finally something struck a chord. Then, one of the two friends responded and her response simply built upon what I'd just figured out. After reading and re-reading the scene I realized... I had gotten so inside my own head I wasn't participating.

That's right - while playing a girl who is dying, but is so caring she is far more hurt by the pain she realizes she is/will be causing her loved ones with her untimely death than she is concerned for herself... I was busy thinking about myself. In short, I was being human and had lost sight of the intention. I felt a broken, worn out fool. It took me 5 hours of intense scrutiny to see something so obvious it could have punched me in the face. But then, perhaps I'm still looking from the wrong perspective. Maybe I needed to be hit in the head, but in the end I did work through it and I'm feeling pretty confident that on Saturday when I have a chance to attempt the scene again this time I'll get it right. With two weeks to go, that doesn't seem like such a bad place to be.

Finding Balance

I'm not sure why, but it always seems as though everything comes together all at once. Now, it is true I've handled some recent monumental letdowns - but mostly in spite of barely having time to live I've been joyfully accepting, attempting, and opening up about things I spent years, even decades concealing.

I was cast in the one role I desired most this season and I am thoroughly enjoying the discovery, the play, - and the vulnerability in the role.

I started taking yoga, and have consistently taken 1-3 classes per week for several weeks now. I feel great, I have a more positive self-image, and I have been to appreciate and love myself in a way I never thought  could.

I wrote a new play- a short one mind you, but a complete one that I feel good about - and then I showed it to people, Not many people, but a few people I trust. For the first time in the 12 years since I started writing plays, I actually feel like I'm hiding a talent, rather than looking back on something I once thought I could do. It reminds me I once applied for a very prestigious fellowship, and although I was rejected, the rejection letter gave every indication I was seriously considered - and that my writing was intelligent, confident, ambitious in all the best ways and full of enormous promise.

It seems I am facing fears one by one. Fear is a powerful thing, but mostly because it gathers like a storm of doubts and what ifs - when we stand tall and look them straight in the eye, they're just hurdles we can take one at a time. I promise I will continue to take those hurdles, confidently, giving in to the discomfort so I can find the honesty, the humor, the promise, the fullness and the joy.

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, lucky to have been where I have been...

Sometimes these days I take stock and can't quite believe how far I've come in a year. This time last year I was unbearably miserable. I trusted no one. I had no friends, no faith in myself, no sense that I fit in anywhere - and yet I kept trying to squeeze myself into every space I thought I might fit.

Then something happened. I was terribly let down, stabbed in the back by those I had once thought I could trust the most... and that allowed me to see how abusive our relationship had become. I was once again allowing someone to brutalize me emotionally for no good reason - a decade after I had vowed I would never let anyone do that to me again. It was horrible, but it was also freeing. Once I let go of the tears, I could let myself float, and see where I fit. I could make my own choices, be my own person  - but more than anything I could put myself in situations which would challenge me.

Since that time:
I've become closer with my husband.
I've met new friends and become friends with others who were previously just acquaintances.
I've taken roles I didn't want because I knew they would push me, and I have tried my damndest to do them justice.
I've written two scripts.
I've agreed to do nudity onstage, because I love the role so much I think its worth the vulnerability.
I've opened up to people about how I was raped when I was 20.
I've started a new 101 in 1001 and have already accomplished several things on the list.
I finally got the guts to paint my living room the color I wanted to - in spite of what others might think.
I stopped caring what others think so much, and started to become the person I once was back before the first time I allowed someone to abuse me.

I have SO much joy in the last 5 months of my life - I've played melodrama, a crochety grandma, a lesbian desperate for a baby, a poet reunited with the man who could have been the love of her life, and now I'm playing a truly joyful girl who is dying far before her time and yet cares far more about how it will impact the others in her life, oh and up next? I'm gonna share the stage with my husband. Something I haven't done since 1998. It'll be raunchy, but sweet, and I'm looking forward to the experience.

My baby sister and one of my best friends from college - two women who have lived through a world of pain have found truly deserving men and I'm thrilled to put on a pretty frock and stand up there to share in their special days.

Honestly, I'm not sure how one gets so lucky.

It's Just Question of Eliminating Obstacles

We all say the same things - or at least it seems that way (and coincidentally we all sound like a late-90's Sheryl Crow song): "No one said it would be easy, but no one said it's be this hard." and this just idn't how I thought my life would be, and I just though I'd be more established by now.

Well folks, its happening. After 8 years of marriage which included 3 of Husband in law school, followed by 4 of him working like hell to find a job and/or make his solo practice work, followed by the same with the addition of a few adjunct classes for a local college... today he started a new job. And folks, this is no small thing. It's part time, yet still enough that all of a sudden I feel the pressure lifting from my shoulders. No more must I suffer the unexpected burden of breadwinner. No more must I feel trapped in an unsatisfying, horribly stressful, dead-end job. 

Those people who say "I hate musicals! That never happens. No one ever just randomly bursts into song." I feel a little badly for them, they must have never felt pure joy.